August 05, 2007

state of the state of mind

i haven't blogged this much since the kathy sierra debacle. there are a lot of reasons for that. chief among them: i (like anyone who has been around here 6 years) have some anger at this space. i have some fear about being misunderstood, which causes me to sometimes second guess my gut as a writer. that, friends, sucks. however, i'm getting over it--hold off on the flowers and sympathy cards if you would.

in the long list of things since march, i've had some threats from people i don't trust, and i don't take that shit lightly. i have some boredom with a blogworld that too closely resembles the mainstream we came here to avoid. i also have a suitcase full of anxiety that i'm at least willing to own up to, and as most of you know i've had health issues, surgery, recovery (doing great--THANK YOU ALL), then lots of work, followed by not enough work, followed by work picking up again.

And I have a new Mac bought for me by my readers and blog friends--thank you thank you thank you--that makes being here more fun than it is work. the act of kindness restored in me what was some pretty beaten down faith in this little experiment we're engaged in. the notes, the emails, the energy asking me to keep on.

People sometimes ask me, how i feel about what went down and how it went down. There is no single feeling for being swept up in a tide of openness and originality turned car wreck turned tornado turned wasteland.

Pissed? yeah, ok. more at first than i am now. i am actually more optimistic about people than i have ever been. and i have so many blessings i can't count them all. these are things i realize. they are the switch i am learning to manually flip when the lights go out for too long.

I was also thinking just tonight, the way i see it, most of the people involved in the aforementioned shitstorm -- not everyone, but most -- did the right thing. That's a good thing. an important thing.

we are only human beings. we misread one another. we dance like shy school children and then drunken sailors. we can be jerks and heroes--sometimes in the same instant. we are not so predictable.

But, I don't know if i'm so optimistic about 'blogging'. The blogworld is a place where Loren Feldmen's supposed to be funny and I'm an accomplice to a federal crime? that's wrong on so many counts i don't have enough fingers and toes to do the math.

But it's not over. Not by a long shot.

Everything cycles. Video killed the radio star. We've gotta keep at it. Keep at it with me. Don't stop. not this day. not this week. kay?

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