some little bird

so a 'little bird' (what people tell me when i ask them wtf) told of my laptop mac-switching plight and my upcoming birthday (my dad didn't wanna name me Nina June for nothin) and SUDDENLY my paypal account is FLUSH with FUNDS that are going toward a MAC book as soon as I can patch in the rest of the dough, and I cannot COMMUNICATE in mere pixels how overwhelmed I am at the support from more than a dozen of you--each of whom I would like to name, but I know some of you are funny about that, so it puts me in a predicament, how dare you--OMG!

I am not sure how to say thank you to the nth degree, but thank you to the nth degree.

NONE of you had to do this, some of you can't afford to have done this, and many of you did anyway. I don't know what to say.

I really have had trouble lately about what I'm doing here. Not a new story. Many of us are struggling with why. I had lost a lot of faith in the net over the whole KS afffflair, and a lot of faith in what I'm doing here, how much I should be here, where HERE is anymore, and what any of us are doing here.

No big secret that.

It's not the Generous Contributions that have restored something in me. It is the show of support from all of you--some of whom I didn't think even knew I was still around, or whom I assumed had writ me up as being some kind of Really Mean Kid unworthy of further time, love, or readership. Or maybe that was me doing that. Either way.

I'm turning 45 Saturday and this thing--this being here--there is still something to it.

Thank you more than I can say for showing me that even with all the noise, our hearts can still cut through.

----

no home

no home no home to go home to
stuffed bear
where
miles and miles far
don't send me away
the first time they
send me, i wonder
who will take care of me?

go home no home
write my way through
find ground
that doesn't make me quake
take me away
don't take me
who will take care of me?

faceless ghosts burn
my face
fire for
fingers
running through me
too hot to stand
can't get out of my
own skin.

stop!

is there an ending, another beginning?
the seconds unbearable,
waiting.