May 31, 2002

Help Shelley Get Her UNIX On

Hey, wanna help Burning Bird with a book? Shelley's Looking for Folks who work with Linux (all flavors), Darwin, Solaris, HP UX, FreeBSD, etc. - any version of UNIX - to contribute to the book she's working on. Specifically, send her stories on: SSH, encryption, firewalls, PGP, installing and building software, creating software packages for installation, user and file security, Kerberos, security concepts and tools, preventing security problems, finding security problems.

Flap on over to the bird if you have a story to share. (Shelley, do I get a tim tam for this?)

CDs

I'm sitting here tonight letting my mind wander, thinking about digital generations, resurrecting the dead through digital technology. Stuff like that. Because tonight I put on a CD my cousin had burned last year, a CD featuring my grandfather on mandolin, my dad on bass and piano, and my great uncle on guitar, playing, like they did every Sunday of every week of every year, while we children danced and played and sang off-key.

I know the CD. I mean, I've listened to it before. But before tonight, I had never listened to it with my own daughter. Here she is in front of me, almost five years old, the age I was day this family session was taped. I'm looking into her eyes, and I see them all. Every one of them gone, gone long before I had a chance to ask questions, to find out everything I needed to know. And I'm explaining to her that this is her grandfather, and her great grandfather--mommy's dad and grandpa. And she's looking at me, again in her eyes I see each of them. There is my dad, her chin is his chin. And there is my grandfather--her stubborn brow.

And I'm realizing that these oak speakers, yep, these right here on the floor, are resurrecting, if only briefly, her great grandfather and her grandfather. Here we are, four generations, gathered in my living room joined by music recorded in 1967. And I hear myself laughing on the CD, and I sound just like her. It's like an echo of an echo of something so familiar. I sound so happy. I was so happy.

It's all the history I can give her--the music. It's all I have. I was too young when he died to give her anything other than sounds, because those are what I remember. So we share them. And she shares them. And we're happy.

allied health update

still coughing. still blowing. still feeling crappy. still taking my medicines. still a crab. still blogging. thanks for asking, those who have.

nine more days til 40. wow. wowowowow.

Getting Jiggy with Merriam-Webster Online

So I set off today to find out a little about the abbreviation "porn," because lately I've been noticing that some people say "porn" and some say "porno." Cunning linguist that I am, I had a theory: Porn is most often used as a noun: "Do you watch porn?" And porno is used primarily as an adjective: "That was a great porno flick." Now, this alone should have you wondering, is this what she does all day? Well. Guilty.

I set off to dictionary.com, my sole online destination for finding words that stupify me. But the site was down today. It's never down. What's up with that? Did someone stump it, send it into futile, endless cycles? (RageBoy, what were you doing today?). Well, never fear, Mirriam is a click away.

What I find out is that I'm WAY overthinking all this. In fact, Porno is a variation of Porn, which is short for, Class? Yes. Pornography. They are interchangable. My theory is junk.

Undaunted, I decided to click around a little more, and I did find something VERY special on the M-W site. Audio pronunciation assistance!!! Wow. Of course, my mind raced considering the many possibilities. Which word would I most like to hear spoken on this rather elite looking grammar and usage reference portal?

Fuck, of course. Hey, how much you think the dude got paid for this gig?

(Oh, uh, maybe don't click if you're at work. Or maybe do.)


The mailman came

Ah! The package arrived from daddy today. Wonderful wonderful treasures - spoons and photos, buildings of Hong Kong stretching to the sky like oversized dominos, neckaces and coins, an autographed doll made in the likeness of the singer he's working with, a beautiful outfit for our little lady, and more. Wrapped carefully in tissue paper by those strong bassist hands, packed with care and love on the otherside of the world, reminding me why.

May 29, 2002

The Sisters Are Doin' It

I happened to glace at the archives over on Blog Sisters tonight, and I realized we just had our three-month anniversary last Friday. So I'm sitting here. And I'm thinking about that night, when I woke up from one of my usual hallucinatory dream states to say, "I've Got It!" Usually, by the next morning those midnight ideas scare me. But this one seemed special. And as it turns out, it was special. We climbed to number 2 on daypop our first day out, rode daypop for two days, fielded tons of insults from insecure assholes, and got requests to join the blog in a flury that kept me awake nearly 24 hours straight.

It had me thinking then, and it has me thinking now: Wow. You know? Wow. We are changing the world.

Back in March, I hired the very capable Elaine to serve as President of Blog Sisters. You'll remember Elaine. She's the one whose magic nearly killed me last week. Yes, well, in her role as President on BS, Elaine keeps me from getting in deeper trouble than I usually do and adds members faster than a crone can stir a pot. Of course, I think I've fired her and re-hired her six times, but we don't talk about that much in public. She's really good about it when I go crawling back bringing her toads and strands of hair.

But enough about management! Blog Sisters now has nearly 40 women members with posting privileges, and dozens of women who are proud to be on our blogroll. I'm reading and hearing and learning things it could take me a lifetime to fully digest over there.

And I'm hangin' with the sisters, which makes it that much more special.

So, ya know? I had to share.




more on comments

I'm working on trying to get my old ones back. I did a very stupid thing. I have two identities on Yaccs, one for baby blogger and one for my blogs, hoping that this way, when she's old enough to type, she doesn't stumble onto all my profanity, at least not all at once. WELL, I went and added allied to THAT identity at Yaccs, and put that new code into my template. dumb dumb dumb. See? Too many blogs and it's easy to forget who the fuck you are.

SO, now I'm trying to generate the code via my old (own) Yaccs identity. We'll see if that works. Or else, I'll probably have nothing. Which is maybe just where I should leave this mess.

Cross your fingers. toes. ears. nose. panty hose. and stuff.

i am currently in a deep depression...

over my comments being gone.... any ideas? shit. When I went to YACCS they said I had to upgrade, so I did, and let YACCS insert the code, and now look. all those months of witty responses from themasses are gone. help.

May 28, 2002

Venus and Mars (and Halley's Comments)

Standing In The Hall
Of The Great Cathedral
Waiting For The Transport To Come
Starship 21zna9

A Good Friend Of Mine
Studies The Stars
Venus And Mars
Are Alright Tonight.

Come Away On A Strange Vacation
Holiday Hardly Begun
Run Into A Good Friend Of Mine

Sold Me Her Sign
Reach For The Stars
Venus And Mars
Are Alright Tonight.
-Paul McCartney, Venus And Mars - Reprise

Halley's Comment is going dark for a time.

But not before I send Halley a message of my own:

A million miles or more from here,
where wine's water and water's wine,
It must be Mars, baby,
'cause Venus ain't no friend of mine.
-jeneane sessum

The Crone Speaks

EXCLUSIVE.... Frank Paynter inverviews Elaine of Kalilily Time in an exclusive tell all, that, well, really tells all!

and now, for something completely unrelated...



heh.

my comments are lost

perfect end to a perfect day.

the diagnosis

You'll all be happy to know I got my ass to the doctor this afternoon. Diagnosis: Everyfuckingthingitis. Yeh, that means acute bronchitis, double-ear-infectionitis, sinusitis, sick-of-carrying-the-world-on-my-fucking-shouldersitis, missing-my-husbanditis, hornyitis, if-i-have-to-do-one-more-bylined-article-i'm-gonna-shoot-myselfitis, pissed-offitis, whythefuckdoIbloganywayitis, turning40in12daysitis, mylifeisoveritis, terribleevilmotheritis, and a few other rare and sometimes-fatal diseases -- something about the coxis. Or maybe I just like to write the word.

But don't worry 'bout me. I'm FINE.

Doc also said this shit goes straight for the eyes. So if you're reading this, it's already too late. Only cure is to fucking COMMENT once in a while.

Shooting stars, full moon, commets. I'm making the t-shirt: "I helped Elaine cure RB, and all I got was this damn disease."

hugs, kids.

May 27, 2002

"Salted Milk"

Cixous writes:

"If we give ourselves over to it, this is because it is a response
Resistance to mourning.
-- Tears of pain
One responded to loss with a flood, a libation
something one gives nobody to drink."

The Fever - 6

Stop, fall.
pound,
twitch,
flush, blush,
cold sweat, chills,
fire, climbing again,
and again,
and then, again,
softness comes to rest,
hush.

Sun streams in,
lights dust like smoke.
Gentle strokes,
head to hip,
memory of pain
erased,
peace then.

the quiet
rains down.

The Fever - 5

I am realizing that I am on top of the covers, not under the covers. I am realizing that I haven't been under the covers since you left. Under, where I miss you most. The comfort inside, too much a reminder. I rest on top of the covers, and you aren't really gone. I am napping. I am not sleeping. You will be home any minute, and I'll hear your steps, coming up, pausing to lay your keys on the table. I'll wait for you, come home, crawl into bed, touch, sleep.

The Fever - 4

Distraction, protection. Addiction. Hiding. The moment is frightening because the moment is elastic, stretching forward, a lifetime in an instant, and an instant infinite.

Learning to be in the moment, stepping down into the moment, a warm pool, I am so cold.

The Fever - 3

danger, touch, over a bridge, high above the water.

The Fever - 2

No rest. Don't rest. Don't step down. These are roots, these are hospital vigils, unexpected deaths, lost wars against mortality. I will not let death surprise me. Guard up. Sickness is my mind/body keenly alert. Surprise and death, to me, the same thing.

The Fever - 1

A white canvas, a white canvas, and I am wide open. I see my voice from a distance, it is my partner, my other, comforting, and that's what writing is, laying your voice outside of yourself. Laying it down. The vulnerability of love again, when you lay your voice down, outside. You trust, and you risk, and you are at risk. That is the link of writing and love, infecting, affecting one the other.

unwell

The fever is gone, for now? But it kept me good company last night. I was somewhere with Cixous, a place I recognized but had never paid attention to before. She writes:

"Fever, which is unbearable, is a defensive phenomenon. It is a combat. It is the same thing for suffering: in suffering there is a whole manoeuvre of the unconscious, of the soul, of the body, that makes us come to bear the unbearable.... Where does this manoeuvre lead us? For example to not being expropriated; to not being the victim but rather the subject of the suffering."

In bed, last night, I am in that place of illness, holding my own vigil, a vigil to me, in that space of perfect physical stillness, as my mind races warp speed. I am a contradiction. I am unwell, but undead. I am dead still, yet still alive with the battle raging inside me. I know whose place this is. I decide to pay attention. In one last heroic effort, I take a rickety walk downstairs, find the tape recorder, and bring it to bed with me. aparitions. visitors. gifts. offerings. Scenes that come and go almost in the same instant, daring memory to capture them. Tonight, I don't want to lose them.

I don't remember much of the night. But I am playing it back now, listening to the stillness, and the pain, reliving the dream as it happened.




May 26, 2002

And then there's this

My face is on fire, the stabbing, jabbing pains of a roaring sinus infection. Fever. Unrepentent energy of a four-year-old buzzing around me, this way, that, asking "mama can I have some..." "mama can I call..." "mama get me some..." make it stop. I am drained. I am done. Got nothing, but nothing left. Exhaustion. The last two months catching up with me. Whatever reserve I had has disappeared. I think some folks ran off with it last night. One wish--put it to good use.

The brightness hits my eye like a knife this night, as I step outside to watch the sun set in the west while my heart beats to the East. I am between; I am not here, not there - entredeux. His day is my night, my night his day, we are half a clock apart, and how many miles. Not even two months. More than a month to go. Tonight nothing seems possible, bearable.

And I know this is the place where my voice is waiting. But I can't go get it. Because I'm thinking about you. I know what you're doing just now. You're getting breakfast, noodles and the rest, to fill you up before you sleep. Turn it on tonight. Don't forget. Late, long nights. The roaring rush of the absence of. Space where nothing and everything happens. Here too. Here too.

A little more than a month to go.



losing myself in you

The way Cixous describes the physical, the sexual morsels of love are exquisite. She speaks of the physical offering and acceptance of love, the deposit of the self, with what I think is a profound and deserving reverence. The physical union of two who would remain foreign from one another inextricably links them for eternity, even when the end result is death/abandonment. The organic part of all of this, the crux, is that in love, we receive ourselves back from the other. Cixous reveals it this way:

"Because in love -- if not there is no love -- you give yourself, you trust, you entrust yourself to the other. And, contrary to what one might think, this is not at all abstract. It is true that one deposits oneself. There is a deposit, and one is deposited in the other person. And if the other goes off with the deposit, one truly cannot recuperate the deposit. What was given can never be taken back. Even if we do not know it at the moment we give; even if we do not imagine that what we have given cannot be taken back -- while most things one gives can be taken back. So in reality, virtually, when we love we are already half dead. We have already deposited our life in the hands that hold our death: and this is what is worth the trouble of love. This is when we feel our life; otherwise we do not feel it.

"It is an extraordinary round: what you give, that is to say yourself, your life, what you deposit in the other, is returned to you immediately by the other. The other constitutes a source. You are not your own source in this case. And as a result, you receive your life, which you do not receive from yourself."

absolute vulnerability

If you have ever loved this way--the way Cixous describes--you know that you have. In other words, if you don't know that you have, then you haven't.

Her words unwrap a gift in me, and I say yes, that is just what it's like. In love, we surrender our vulnerability, an offering to the other, the one we love. This, says Cixous, puts us at risk and removes risk from us all at once. Consider that. It's not until we are fully exposed that we can love the other. And in that full disclosure, we risk everything, including the other's love for us. Absolute vulnerability. No wonder.

Let me let her tell you....

"In the face of love we disarm ourselves, and indeed we keep the vulnerability. It does not disappear, but it is offered to the other. With the person we love, we have a relationship of absolute vulnerability. Why? First of all because we think they will do no harm to us at the same time we think and we have the experience that they are the only person who can do all the harm in the world to us. Through death: either by dying or killing us, that is to say abandoning us. But also, and this is the childlike and magical side of love, we think that the person who can kill us is the person who, because she loves us, will not kill us. And at the same time we do not believe it. In love we know we are at the greatest risk and at the least great risk at the same time."



baby, come home.

Roped Slips Underwear

The best thing about that little site meter gadget is seeing what people search up on google to arrive at your blogstep. Today, I am honored to be 7th most popular return on Roped+Slips+Underwear, and right below some script of an X-Files episode. See? This blogging hasn't been all for naught!

Note to Mr./Ms. Google Visitor: Next time you come looking for Roped Slips Underwear, could you at least leave a comment? That'd be great. Thanks.

great, now i'm sick

Elaine, what did you do? I was fine, and now I'm sick with a cold, sinking lower, worse, can't sleep. I promise I looked at the moon through the toilet paper thing like you told me to. Great. Halley's cavorting around Cape Cod, RageBoy's back to blogging, and all I got is this hacking cough. What went wrong? Who robbed my soul?

Someone make me some stinkin soup.

May 25, 2002

dream life

And while I'm reading, I fall asleep. Light sleep, widthwise across the bed, unintended sleep. I awake startled, what time is it? where is she? Oh my god, I've fallen asleep with my child here alone--it's been two hours--"JENNA!?" Nothing, and with my heart outside of myself, I run up and down the stairs three times, "JENNA!?" it is my terror yelling for her, sure she is gone, already in that place of her being gone, of loss-dread, before I remember that she is not supposed to be here, she is with her aunt, that I drove her there three hours ago, that she's not supposed to answer me, because she is not here, she is there, and I have been dream writing, sleeping on the edge of loss again.

she was under the covers

I was looking for Cixous all morning. I looked upstairs/downstairs, trying to remember where I sat when I last read her, last night, or was it today? I found her just now, under the covers. As I wind in and out between work and unwork, I think of her, open her again. Rootprints. I understand what Calle-Gruber writes, but I live what Cixous writes. And so, it's to her text I'm drawn.

Helene Cixous, the space between the words, between notes, the silence between songs, the gap between knowing and not knowing, the place that isn't a place between suffering and joy. That is where she finds her words. So much power. She is the ladder down, not up. She is neither the journey, nor the destination; she is the quiet moment leaning back against the tree at the side of the road. She is not the desolving or the manifestation, she is the waiting.

And just now, I am reading her, she is reading me. About Love. Dare we? Let's.

Cixous: "There is a point where the unknown begins. The secret other, the other secret, the other itself. The other that the other does not know. What is beautiful in the relation to the other, that moves us, what overwhelms us the most -- that is love -- is when we glimpse a part of what is secret to him or her, what is hidden, that the other does not see; as if there were a window by which we see a certain heart beating. And this secret that we take by surprise, we do not speak of it; we keep it. That is to say, we keep it: we do not touch it. We know, for example, where the other's vulnerable heart is situated; and we do not touch it; we leave it intact. This is love."

Re-read it. Do you see? The window, the heart. Open, vulnerable, the thinnest of membranes between you and the other, between love and abandonment, and you do not break that membrane. You see it; it would be easy. You could poke it, prod some, or simply point attention to it. But you don't. You hush. You keep it. You keep it *for* the other. The comfort of having the secret remain so.

And more from Cixous on love:

"There are things that we do not understand because we could never reproduce them: behaviours, decisions that seem foreign to us. This also is love. It is to find one has arrived at the point where the immense foreign territory of the other will begin. We sense the immensity, the reach, the richness of it, this attracts us. This does not mean that we ever discover it. I can imagine that this infinite foreignness could be menacing; disturbing. It also can be quite the opposite: exalting, wonderful, and in the end, of the same species as God: we do not know what it is. It is the biggest; it is far off. At the end of the path of attention, of reception, which is not interrupted but which continues into what little by little becomes the opposite of comprehension. Loving not knowing. Loving: not knowing."

AKMA Isn't Bill Bennett

But Mike Slanders would like to make them bedfellows. AKMA takes exception. As usual, with kindness and brilliance. "Don't worry your heads about those nuances; just trust us." Thanks AKMA.



giggle

It's already on its way up daypop, so it doesn't need my help, but I'm pointing to it anyway because it's a laugh. Take em where you can get em.

grand illusions

The thing about deciding to stay up all night and work is that you forget you have a child who gets up at 7 a.m., whether or not you stay up all night. And so ugh. IV Coffee please. The night was delightful, made so by one Mary Lu Wehmeier, who induldged me in an hour-long--or was it two--IM conversation, discovering and uncovering that we are all separated by one sixth of a degree, not six degrees, here in Blogaria. Homes and homelands, roots and passions. And Mary, trying to disconnect me from all my wires so I can blog outside. A treasure of an evening.

Shelley Powers IS The Center Of My Universe

Fucking bloggers. Or whater this Lemur considers itself in slicing and dicing Shelley halfway to Sunday. I read what Shelley said about realtime blogging. I think, well, she's got a point here. Maybe there's a less disruptive way to do it. A designated blogee to the world. But, she's got a point. Try to get a laugh as you rant across a room of 50 sets of clacking fingers.

Then I read Shelley's reaction to the shit that's been thrown her way over this issue, and some others. And I start to think a little more. And my blood starts to boil from the criticism she's been getting. Because while I'm reading all this stuff, Shelley is hard at work, for free, helping this fellow blogger debug her template and fix permalinks, all without being asked or thinking twice about it.

THAT's the kind of person Shelley is. Anyone following the ebb and flow of Blog Sisters knows that Shelley and I don't always see eye to eye. She's taken me to task more than once over my theories of unopposed estrogen (heh). And I don't always agree with her. But I do respect her and value her among the highest-caliber voices in blogaria today. And I adore her passion. She unleashes it in virtually every post, and it's beautiful and powerful and electric.

And beyond than that, Shelley don't take no shit. Instead of trying to tear her down, we should support the foundation that is her voice.

Thanks Shelley.


May 24, 2002

all nighter, anyone?

Well, my mess of an email situation seems to be healing, and I have long distance help on my template--fingers clacking away somehwere in Blogaria, on another coast--but more on that later. Tonight I'm up for some kind of all nighter, with work I've tossed aside, work I've already been paid for. That's not nice. I need to do it. And to blog, and read, and think. There is an energy that comes from greeting the day without sleep, no? Awake, so that terror can't sneak up on you. No surprises. Dreams. Spending the night awake--an unnight.

And if we were all in my woods this evening, in our blogosphere, we'd be hanging out in the main blog room, futons and fireplaces, laptops and lanterns, fire, wind, moon, giving our voices to the night.

See you later (and later).

just so irked

It appears that the email migration I've suffered through at work is having some unintended glitches--not the least of which is delayed sending of my mail by days. So if you received an email from me today that seems like I wrote it, oh, say, days ago, I probably did. For anyone used to sending to me at my ketchum mail address, if you need to reach me, please use the ewriter@bellsouth.net address for now.

Crap. I'm scattered like Waffle House hashbrowns.

the first person....

to tell me what code I need in my template, precisely (from blogbody or whatever it is onward to the end of blogbody) that will let me add permalinks by post (rather than linking to the week of the post) wins the cashew brittle I wrote about on 5/19, "The Score." Free shipping inside the U.S. I'll fricking autograph the box for you even.

i know my links are hosed

Eric's helping me figure it out. Stay tuned...

May 23, 2002

entredeux

I can't tell you the world I have found in Helene Cixous. If you've been around here for a while, you've seen me journey through her Three Steps on the Ladder of Writing, a book that helped launch this Blog, led me to my otherness, unliving, agony, writing/dying/living. I was then, and am still now, wrapped up in these things. So tonight, I decide to open the box of seven new books I splurged on, freshly arrived from Amazon. There are six books I really need to read first. Right away actually. But I don't.

I can't. I have to open her. Have her open me.

And I open Rootprints : Memory and Life Writing, where I stumble immediately onto the notion of entredeux, which Cixous calls a place of in between, "between a life which is ending and a life which is beginning."

I have lived there. Unthere. Entredeux. That powerful, agonizing chasm, between was and is, and between is and will. Entredeux. Words unformed, voice unspoken, jagged nails claw the earth from a grave not yet dug. A place where I mourn for a death still living, where I hear songs unwritten. Exiled at home. entredeux.

She's doing it to me again.

And this...from Ms. Cixous....in her own words:

"For me, an entredeux is: nothing. It is a moment in a life where you are not entirely living, where you are almost dead. where you are not dead. Where you are not yet in the process of reliving. These are innumerable moments that touch with the bereavements of all sorts. Either there is bereavement between me, vilolently, from the loss of a being who is part of me -- as if a piece of my body, of my house, were ruined, collapsed. Or, for example, the bereavement that the appearance of a grave illness in oneself must be. Everything that makes up the course of life interrupted.

"In this case we find ourself in a situation for which we are absolutely not prepared. Human beings are eqipped for daily life, with its rites, with its closure, its commodities, its furniture. When an event arrives which evicts us from ourselves, we do not know how to 'live.' But we must. Thus, we are launched into a space-time whose coordinates are all different from those we have always been accustomed to. In addition these violent situations are always new. Always. At no moment can a previous bereavement serve as a model. It is, frightfully, all new: this is one of the most important experiences of our human histories. At times we are thrown into strangeness. This being abroad at home is what I call entredeux. Wars cause entredeux in the histories of countries. But the worst war is the war where the enemy is on the inside; where the enemy is the person I love most in the world, is myself."

this is hip

You can't have a bad day when you're listening to Tower of Power jam "What Is Hip?" into your skin as loud as you can possibly stand it.

note to papa: I took the blanket off the gretsch kit today and pounded pretty good. make a daddy proud. ;-)

looking for new talent

If you have a blog that's not on my blogroll and you think it ought to be, leave a comment here. Lookin' for new talent.

in looking at my blogroll, i realize something

i really suck at alphebetizing. wtf?

happy day

My neighbor yelled across the street to me today, "Hey, it's like we've got somebody else's weather!" And I'm thinking, that's exactly what it's like. This is an amazing week here in Atlanta. No humidity, blinding sun, cool temps, green everywhere, and happy people. Happy people. Unusual for a town that dubs itself, "The city too busy to hate." If you live here, you don't think twice about that moniker. Unless you think twice. And you say, hey, I guess that's as good a reason as any not to hate. Just too damn busy.

But back to the weather. Usually, by the end of May, we are a bunch of hot, cursing, road raging, sweaty, pissed off displaced northerners, wondering why the hell we ever moved south. May is summer here, a lot late July back home. But this week, and even last, have been a sweet out-of-season dream for us all. Cool days, crisp nights. Sit out on the porch, light one up, and think, yes, this is why we're here.

Laughing, smiling, taking a break from the "too busy to hate" thing, it's like we're all on some vacation from hell. Which, in fact, we just may be.

So, what I want to know is this: Elaine, is this your doing? And if so, let me know what I have to do to make it stick. I'll dance, sweat, strip and bathe myself in the eternal springs of Blogaria. Whatever. Just don't let it stop.



May 22, 2002

dancin for dad

Tonight she comes downstairs, in tie-dye t-shirt and underwear she picked out on her own, "I'm ready for my show." And that means, it's time for the Jackson Five (the o-l-d Jackson Five). It's time for her to boogie. She hides behind the wall, I press play on the CD player, and I'm transported to a living room show, just for me, and for Daddy far away....

Stop! The love you save may be your own,
Darling, take it slow
Or some day you'll be all alone.
You'd better stop the love you save may be your own,
Darling, look both ways before you cross me
You're headed for the danger zone.

And she bops on 2 and 4, just like she should, and her little hand makes a stop sign in all the right places, her pony tail keeps time. She's centered just behind the beat, right where she should be, shoulders back, chin out.

The babyblogger is ON.

what we're doing here is

breaking up the echo

Anthurian

So here he is, as promised, and added to my blogroll. Anthurian. His blog is new, so let's bring him along with us, okay guys? That means link. His voice is nice. This is a guy I've worked with for years, and never knew, until now. Because we're here more than there. And that means it's a wonderous time; it's starting to come true.


May 21, 2002

I'm telling you people, it's happening.

I'm at work today. Those of you who know me understand that this, in itself, is a rare event. Anyway, the IS guy is migrating my laptop to Outlook from Netscape Mail, which we've used there for the last few years. And while I'm glad to go back to my old friend Outlook, I'm not so glad to be using some less-than-perfect webmail version since I do work mainly from home. Ah well. I could go on.

But that's not what this story is about, not really. It's about what I said to him, as he worked away magically on my faithful Dell's email app. To pass the time, I open my mouth. Surprise.

"You know what weblogs are?" I ask him.

"No. What's a weblog?"

The question you love to hate.

"Somewhere between a journal and journalism, and like that, but not like that at all." I say, and then explain how clusters of these weblogs, which are really just interconnected conversations around things people care about are springing up around, among, and between every instance of knowing that exists," or something like that, because I stopped when his eyes glazed over.

So he says, "Let me call Antonio. I bet he knows."

Anthony. A tech wiz in the web services department of our company, who works on the floor below me, someone I've passed in the corridors dozens of times, think I've been in a couple meetings with him, all without having a real conversation. That's who he's calling.

So he dials Antonio up.

"Antonio. I'm here in Jeneane's office. Do you know what a weblog is?"

I hear this: "Oh, really? okay... something like a personal site, a diary, huh. Do you have one? Oh, you do?"

At which moment I shout, "He BLOGS? Give me the phone!" and grab the receiver.

"Anthony, no way, you blog?"
"Yeh, do you?"
"YES! Seriously, man? Holy cow, I can't believe it. A blogger. I want to come hug you."

And we laugh, and we talk about what we use--I think he's still a little scared of me, but he's warming up. Says he uses Blogger too but hosts his blog on his own site [and I want to shoot myself because I lost his URL after I wrote it down... anyway... I already emailed him to get it tomorrow.] And I ask him what he blogs about, and he says a little of everything, mostly tech, and I say yah, me too, but mine's got kind of a marketing slant, and I tell him about Blog Sisters and RGE, and he takes down the addresses, pulls this very blog up on his screen while we're talking, says, Ya, I got yours right here. Cool. And I say, Hey I'll stop downstairs sometime and we can talk about it more. And we agree that would be great. And we'll do it.

To me this is a Holy Shit moment of maximum importance. A person I've been physically working with and not connecting with for what, one, maybe two years, in physical proximity, MISSING each other all the while, then bingo-bango connected in an instant. How? This web WE'RE weaving here. Not through the org charts in the office that have us in separate disciplines, on separate floors. But HERE. Right now. Check my archives. Read me. See me. Hear me. I'll know him and he'll know me, and when I get his site and put it on my blogroll, you'll know him too and he'll know you and how fucking great is the world gonna be???????????????????????????????????????????



May 20, 2002

the touch

Today was an unremarkable day. Tonight too. Nothing extraordinary about it. Unless you count the call I got from Marek, and our plans for fixing a broken world. Yes. Although they're still forming, I'd put a check-mark in the remarkable column for that.

Then, as the day winds down, and I climb in the bed to rest beside the little girl child who came out of my body, hushing her to sleep, still feeling that place where she nested for all those months inside me, cross-legged and breech, tickling me with her toes in places a baby's feet aren't supposed to be, I realize that it is a very remarkable day.

I rest in that same place every night, until she's asleep, my mind climbing and falling away again. This night, as her hand slides up inside the sleeve of my t-shirt, up, up to the spot on my shoulder I was just thinking of scratching, a hairline of an instant before, I smile. Her nails move gently, slowly, right where they should be, but this isn't the hand of a four year old, brushing and stroking my tired shoulder. The hand is broad, calloused, heavy. The weight unmistakably male. The knowing is too deep to come from her.

Of same mind, souls tied, I think of him on the other side of the world, try to touch him back.

May 19, 2002

The Score

The whole reason I decided to go to K-Mart was to find a new digital camera. Well, that was one reason. Also because everything there is almost free, and I hadn't been out of the house in days. We need a new digital camera because I can't find our old one. Turned this place upside down. Inside out. On the other side of the world, Papa's waiting for pics of his sweet baby. Sony nowhere to be found. I have suspicions. I try to push them to the back of my mind. Don't want to think what I think happened to it.

But the matter is, I need a camera and a cheap one. I hit the aisles thinking, if I can find one at half price or less, I'm going to buy it. If I find the Sony, then we'll have two. So what. Doesn't everyone?

I head back to electronics, high with the possibilities, only to find that it's gutted. Doesn't exist anymore. Roped off with crime scene tape, or its nearest cousin, "caution." Shit. I should have left the house days ago. Let this be a lesson to us all. Leave the house at least every other day. New mantra for me.

Since I was there, I decided to check out the rest of the stock, which was thin but interesting. Luggage had possibilities. Two shelves left, but nothing was marked, and I had visions of standing on line forever only to find out I couldn't afford it. My resolve: Don't put anything in my cart that doesnt' have a price on it. Move on. More aisles to explore.

I see the picture frames. Rows and rows of them. I wonder why? The age of digital. Who frames pictures anymore. I see the sign above the frames, appealing to the webless, "Frames 75% off... Preserving memories for generations." No thanks, I blog.

My reason for being here gone, I wonder what I'm looking for. Fake nails were 75% off. pass. Makeup 75% off. pass. Patio chairs, pass. A shelf load of d-CON. I wonder why. pass. I hear a guy talking to his wife, or I think it's his wife. He's holding a cheapy PDA. Regularly $30. What could it do for $30, now 50% off?

"You need the Web for that," she tells him.

"Hell, I know that," he says.

She thinks about it for a minute, puts it in the cart and says, "Happy Father's Day." I wonder if she's thinking it's about time her man gets online, checks out some of those girly sites, brings new tricks to the bedroom. I wonder if he's thinking, finally, gonna get me some net. Jenna Jameson, here I come. But it's the "Happy Father's Day" that touches my heart. No, really.

Keep walking. Score some notebooks. Happy about that, since I've started writing things down again.

Cat food for my next door neighbor's cats--only $1.00 for the bag. I can't resist. Damn cats are always in my house. Our neighbor has been away in rehab since January, and even though folks stop by and feed his four cats once in a while, they are wild in their wanting, for food and strokes. For a buck, I can make them happy all week. Money well spent.

I happen upon a shelf that makes me smile. Loaded with shower heads. Has to be at least 50 of them, of all designs and colors. Massage this, relax that. Calgon take me away. I need a new one anyhow, being that the one we have is leaking now in places it shouldn't, so I look closer. Wow. check this one out:

The Interbath Rio. Refreshing showers from 72 spray channels. Powerful, variable speed massage, combination sprays, and trickle valve. Lifetime warranty to boot. I toss it in the cart before I look closer, where at the top of the plastic box, I see words from the marketing hacks written just for me:

"Escape without Leaving Home."

A+ for the Interbath positionig exercise that uncovered my urgent need.

I'm thinking it's time to go. As I head to the checkout I see another goodie I can't pass up. Called JaimIt, from Jam, it's "The digital sound mixer for online fun." Okay. Let's check it out. Records, warps, syncs, and shares voice online. Adds sounds to pictures. No, I don't really need it, but let's see how much. Regularly $50. Turns out with the discount it's $10. And what sold me: $20 rebate waiting for me online. So, in a nutshell, it's free, and if a really stupid rep opens my rebate envelope, I stand to make $10 on the deal.

I toss it in, thinking I should buy them all and sell 'em on ebay, but don't want to front the money. Decide to be happy with what I found and go home. Find out later it's a good thing, since no one seems to be buying.

Checkout was uneventful. Surprisingly. And I'm heading back to my Pacer on steroids, when a kid walks up to me. Red jersey, #64, hip-hop and bad as a motherfucker, but trying not to be, one foot in gangstahood, one foot on the right track. He's got a box. He's selling if I'm buying. Peanut brittle. I don't like peanut brittle, but I like the kid.

Gives me his rap, something about staying off drugs, off the street, selling this peanut brittle to raise money for something or other. Tries to shove a piece of paper into my hand that explains it better than he can, but I don't need the paper.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Kielan," he says.

"Let me see what you've got in there," I say looking in the box, where I found his loot wasn't selling so well. Maybe one's gone. I'm thinking, in Kennesaw, Georgia, Kielan, you're lucky they haven't run you off this lot by now.

"How much for the cashew-nut brittle?"

"$5.00"

I open my purse, look through my ones, hand them one at a time as I rummage through and find them, just seeing if he bolts with $3 or waits to finish the deal. And he does wait. We finish the transaction, I tell him good luck, and he walks across the parkinglot, stands a gainst a lamp pole. I decide to sit there for a few minutes in the van, seeing if he goes up to anyone else. He doesn't. Of course, I already knew that.

My big question now, besides how do I hook up this new shower head, is who wants the cashew brittle? I haven't opened it. I don't like the stuff. Any takers? I'll send it free to the person who makes the 15th comment on this post, unless you're international. Then you pay shipping.

Get busy. Maybe you can score too. Bring a little bit of Kielan into your day.
















May 18, 2002

The Ride

If you want any context for my adventures today, you'll have to read the last two posts. If you don't, then dig in. There are no rules here. I'm making this up as I go.

What I set out to do today, in getting "out," was to go to the store, observe the world, hit some sales, get the big deal. As I mentioned, the soon-to-be-defunct K-Mart near my house is down to the bare bones, 70 percent off everything left, if you can find anything left.

It was enough to get me out the door. I was feeling pretty good. Daughter off my hip, free to flow with the wind for a whole 3 hours. Nothing but possibilities.

So there I am, cruising down I-75, windows down, hair down, blowing just right, nice cool day here, the kind of Atlanta day you just don't get in mid-May. I'm feeling like maybe I am all that, an apparition of RageBoy, with a new ride of my own, no responsibilities, not for now, just me, cruisin. Uh-huh. This mama's got her groove back.

Except for a few things, not the least of which is that I'm driving a blue minivan, a 2002 Chevy Venture Value Van no less, bought for the sole purpose of getting out from under our Ford Explorer, which was about to bite the dust. Requirements: Cheap, Must hold upright bass, Must hold three people and upright bass in a pinch.

The van is a vehicle of necessity, not of choice. I hate fucking minivans. I feel like my life is over when I drive it. And the "Value" in Value Van doen't mean you feel anymore valuable than a bag of fertilizer behind the curise-controless wheel. No cassette. No CD player. No power windows. Mama said there'd be days like this.

I'm at a pivotal point here. Risk going tuneless or turn on FM Radio. Oh, the humanity.

I decide to try the oldies station, 40th birthday just three weeks away. Feeling nostalgic for I don't know what. But I haven't programmed the four buttons that run this power sound system, so I press the plain black "seek" buttons up and down til I find it, 97.1. Oh they're in commercial. That's okay. I got all the time in the world. Until my ears perk up and I hear this really disarming message from the station manager, saying that advertisers are taking their marketing money to younger audiences, and their programming may not survive, so write your friends, phone your neighbors, fly your flags extra high--God save the queen.

Not really, but the marketing money thing is true, followed by the advertorial poster lady named Lila, who said she raised three kids listening to this station, don't take it away. And then the tagline: "Save our Oldies."

By now I'm thinking, if I steer this beer can on wheels just right, I could hit the embankment doing 85 and be out of my misery. Instead I vow to be rocked back to life, one way or the other, and I push "seek" again.

I don't care how much money I got to spend
I won't find my way home again
Oh the lonely days are gone
I'm a goin home
My baby, she wrote me a letter.

"SEEK"

So take a good look at my face
You see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

I need you, need you.


And there I learn my first lesson being back in the world. The radio is fucking depressing. But I'm at K-Mart now, and that's good. I steer the blue potato into a parking space and decide to sit and people watch for a minute or two. Catch my breath after my exhilarating ride. This place of concrete, a hundred plazas just like it in this suburb, is unremarkable. That's what I decide. And when you get to that place, you know with certainty, at least in Atlanta, it's time to buy something. Fill the void. Scissors cut paper, Plastic melts cement. Charge!

Not a shopping cart in sight. It takes me five minutes of waiting just to get my hands on one.

This better be worth it. It's my three hours of freedom, after all.





blue light special

You already know, and now you do if you didn’t, that I decided to leave the house today. To be by myself, by myself. Some romantic notion of watching people happen. Get a little sunshine. Clear my head, which is a storehouse for confusion just now.

The K-Mart near my house is getting ready to close. I’m no fan of K-Mart, wasn’t even when I worked there, back in Rochester, during summer breaks. But a sale is a sale. And 70 percent off is a *sale*.

K-Mart and I go way back. I started working there at 17, on the register, five days a week for minimum wage, a nickel over if you stuck with it a month.

I probably would have stayed on the register for four summers, earning money for school in a job that to me was beyond boring, except for management’s realization that I had an uncanny eye for shoplifters. Takes one to know one I guess. I mean, I don’t shoplift now, and I didn’t then. But I had in the past. And a lot.

I think I was about 12 when I went pro, which lasted a couple of years. Those were easier days, no scanners or detectors. You had two way mirrors, and you had store detectives. Neither a match for me. Innocent brown eyes and a too-sweet smile, I had the perfect cover. It was never very hard for me to slip one shirt under another in a fitting room, books down the back of my pants, candy up the sleeve, or makeup in zippered pockets. A mood ring here, a magazine there.

Shoplifting is the art of distraction. Left hand reaches for a bottle of shampoo, lean a little closer, read the label, right hand slips the eyeliner up the coat sleeve. (This was upstate New York. You always had a coat on.)

But don’t think badly of me. This was just a phase. You had phases too, right? Looking for attention was what I always heard from adults who talked about kids who shoplifted, often in front of me, while I blinked in dismay. I said, “Wow, kids do that?” but I thought, “I’m not looking for attention. I’m looking for a really cool shirt.”

My regular hoist was cigarettes. A pack a day for me and my friends in the summer time. We’d split them with our gang behind the school. I was always the go-getter. The one they trusted to get the job done. And I always did.

We used to call it “getting.” Did you “get” anything today? That was the code word, our clever little way of saying we didn’t buy it. We gonna go “get” some?

My favorite hoist was Betty Crocker frosting. Heather and I would hit Star Market mid afternoon, wind our way through the aisles to the boxed mixes and frostings, almost drooling. Vanilla was our favorite.

“Oh look, they have those aluminum foil baking pans my mom told us to get.” (Can up the sleeve. quick as lightning.)

“No, remember? She told us to get the other kind. I don’t see them here.”

Stay for a while. Not in any hurry. Not like we’re doing anything wrong here. Then we’d wander over across the parking lot, behind the big department store, slip out the goods, sit on the slab by the doors no one used, pop the top, and dig in, one finger full at a time.

The crux of the problem with pre-teen me and shoplifting was that I never got caught. Ever. Not by the stores. Not by my mother. I was very, very good at it. So good, that when I got my job at K-Mart years later, working summers, fully reformed by then, I could spot a thief a mile away.

Management discovered my particular talent during one of my first shifts as door greeter, a job I took seriously because it was so much better than working the register. On this particular day, early in my K-Mart career, I called a code 7 ½ three times. That’s the code for shoplifting. Calling a 7 ½ meant that an army of shoe clerks and auto shop goons would come running, chase down the poor son of a bitch who was just trying to hoist some extra batteries, well, in this case a TV, and wrestle him to the ground. Vigilante justice at it’s finest. Once they hauled the guy to his feet, they’d take the poor sap to the back room and badger him for a bit before calling the cops.

They didn't treat the old ladies that way, and yes, old ladies steal too. They'd just make them cry.

So this particular day--the day I was discovered--I caught three thieves and saved the store $320. A TV, an old lady with some sewing stuff, and a high school kid with a penchant for clothes. Witness, the birth of a K-Mart legend.

The job had its perks. Not only was I off the register, but I got passes for the snack bar whenever I caught someone—eat free on K-Mart for every shoplifter you stop. It was all the incentive I needed, given that I was broke.

With my initial success, the head of security asked me would I like to spend some more time as door greeter. I thought about it. It beat working the register. They stared at me, waiting for my answer. Probably wondered if I was psychic or something. What could I say? I spent 4 years on the job—I know what to look for?

So I said, sure.

By the end of two weeks I’d caught 8 shoplifters. The head of security took me aside.

“We usually don’t do this, but if you want to stay on the door instead of the register, you can. You got a knack for it.”

I think I can admit this. I was flattered.

I had my good days and my bad days. But most days I caught someone trying to take something they shouldn’t. The one I remember best was the guy who strolled toward the door with a bag in his hand—receipt visible—he’d obviously just bought some stuff. But there was something off about him. I did my usual scan. Something stuck. His motorcycle helmet in his hand, about three yards from the door, he looked over my way. He put the bag inside his helmet, and I knew.

He was 6 foot 3 at least, and about the toughest looking biker I had ever seen. But I had a job to do. This was K-Mart. I was on the door. Duty called.

I walked up to him and did my thing.

“Can I see inside your helmet, please?”

He smiled. Eye to eye, I knew I had him. He was the most gentle and polite thief I would ever catch in all my time on that job. He stepped aside with me. Lifted the bag. And there was the stash. A watch, a cassette, and something else I don’t remember. He stood so close to me we were almost touching as I called the 7 ½ to the front of the store. The guys came running, ready to rumble, K-mart vests flapping in the wind. Pulled up short. Stared at me and my new friend.

“He had this,” I showed them.

The head of security stared at him. Stared at me. Thinking to himself, how did she have the balls to walk up to this one?

“Okay, come with us,” he said. And the gentle thief did. No fuss, no muss.

He was the only guy I ever saw them let go without calling the cops. Turns out he’d gotten out of Attica two weeks prior. They decided to give him a break. If they had called on him, he would have been back in for some extra long time.

“Thanks," I said. "He was the nicest one I ever caught.”

By the end of my second summer there, they offered me a full-time job as door greeter, a position they were creating just for me.

“But I’m in college,” I said.

“Well, that’s something you need to think about. I’m just sayin, we never offered the job to anyone before. If you want it, it’s yours.”

I didn’t take it. I think you maybe guessed that by now. But I did have a stellar career there, maybe making up for all the shit I stole as a kid. We do our penance our own way. That job was mine. My own little way of giving back to the retail industry, so to speak.

But this post wasn’t supposed to be about my job at K-Mart; it was supposed to be about my trip to K-Mart today. And it seems about as good a time as any to stop this post and start a Part 2. Later. Once I do my motherly duties for the night.


goin out

I'm venturing out for a while today to be by myself. Huh? Ya. Sister has the kid. A worldwide corporate newsletter waiting for me to write it. Do I need any better reason to go?

For me, working from home is an amazing arrangement. The best of both worlds. The pay and benefits of corporate life sans the politics and distractions. But it has ripple effects too. Sometimes, three or four days go by before I notice that I haven't gone anywhere. There's the obligitory drive to my daughter's school and back. I'm only half-conscious then, being it's 8 in the morning and I haven't inhaled enough coffee to make me feel undead. So I'm not sure that counts. Maybe I get 1/2 point for that. Hey, I'll take what I can get.

I mean, I go outside and everything. Don't start getting worried about me. I just forget to leave. Or maybe I'm not sure it's worth going.

For those who already have me diagnosed, it's not agoraphobia that keeps me inside my self-enforced perimeter. Ya, I could adopt that little DSM code in a minute, without trying even hard, just add it on to my others, but that's not what this is. I'm not afraid to leave. I'm more unwilling to.

My simple reality is, I don't miss the world when I'm not in it.

When webvan (god rest their souls) started working the Atlanta territory, I thought the net had made a present just for me. I'd order our groceries, pick my delivery day and time, and do the happy dance when the truck pulled up. Anyone else still get sad when they see a blue bin? Webvan brought the world to me. And it was the world I picked by hand.

Those were days, for me at least, before blogging, but they were also the days when I surrendered a big part of my life to the Internet. My work life began taking place exclusively over the net in 1997. And a lot of the rest of my life went with it. Now with blogging, many of my friends and extended family live in Blogaria, where cab fare's always free; it's a two second ride--boot up, browser open. World awaits me.

So there's not much reason to go. Out, I mean.

But today I'm going anyway. Because the world's still here, and there are people with flesh, bones, and smiles out there. Maybe wanting to talk. Maybe they even blog. Or maybe they'll be like most Atlantans, out because they have to be. Buying something or eating something. That's what people do when they go out here. And it's mandatory here that you buy everything you possibly can, and even what you can't. I think they deport you to Alabama if you fail to live up to your quota in that regard.

So, anyhow, I'm going. I'll let you know what I find out there.



May 17, 2002

And now, for an important news bulletin

If you're worried about the latest wave of news that says the current administration knew the terror attacks on America were coming, don't be. There are far more important matters of national security to deal with. Kent, you have lost your mind. Bless you.

sweet world

Look inside your mind
See the darkness creeping out
I can see the softness there
Where the sunshine is gliding in
Fill your mind with love
Find the world of future glory

-genesis, where the sour turns to sweet


New morning, windows open, sunlight filtering in, and I think about a place I’d like to build for us. A real place, a magical place that nurtures the ebb and flow of bloggers, our dreams, a place of potions and remedies, a healing place, a place we could all come, give, take, then go—or maybe never leave.

And who would come there? We would start it off, me, George and Jenna, because we have always been expecting a better world, and Diva and Bando would come too. They are sweet dogs, unselfish and loyal, and amazing to observe, old matriarch Diva, crabby yet patient with her slobbering, unrelated son. And I’ll bathe them before we go to this place. Because, as Jenna says, “they smell so stinky.”

And we’ll set up house in a huge compound on the edge of the woods, near the pond thick with life, where you can watch the fish jumping for flies at night. Once we clean out the cobwebs, and set up an expanse of space for families and friends, others will come.

There will be no walls, your space is your own, and invisible, flexible boundaries are disarmed by creativity and a knowing so big it overcomes every problem, worry, heartache; there is no such thing as loss in this place.

Halley and her family will come, and her son will be my son, and my daughter, hers. And Chris will come, but not the neighborhood cat that sneaks into his apartment. He can bring others, in heart and in hand, and he will bring RageBoy, and in this place, RageBoy will have the space he needs, the comfort he needs, and the Italian restaurant won’t be so far away; Everywhere there are people with hearts open.

Doc will come with his lot, and he will bring us balance, and we him. And AKMA and his brood will come, and his fellow Blog U colleages too, and Golby, and Gary, and theirs. And Anita will come, and Andrea, and Esta. Other Blog Sisters will visit, some will stay.

Shelley will come for a time, and burn so brightly, then leave us with that light until she returns.

David will stay behind, and visit sometimes, and he will be our liaison to the rest of the world, knowing, without being there, just what this place is for. Telling the others, “It can be so.”

Small pieces now joined.

And Elaine will come, she can bring her mom, we’ll have a special place for her, comfortable enough, close, yet far enough, and a caregiver for her so Elaine can rest her soul some. And Tom Shugart and his, and Frank Paynter, Tom Matrullo, Steve MacLaughlin, and, my god, of course Marek.

In this place, there is all the bandwidth we ever need, and all of the books of human kind, notes from other bloggers in the margins. And we learn and absorb from one another, as we engage, we grow. Your mind is mine, and mine yours, spiraling further out.

Denise has a law library all to herself, protects us and enriches us with wisdom and wit.

Technology supports us, without overwhelming us, because we have the woods.

We have Macs and PCs and color printers and faxes, and a powerful network, a spot for convergence of ideas, where they germinate and grow organically, without interference, because left on their own for a while, good ideas do this. And here, day is night, and night is day, one sky, thought is unending.

We have all of the notebooks and pencils and pens, and paper and paints we need. We paint the walls with murals, the children help, they mix colors no one has ever seen, and everywhere you look, something is blooming.

There is music, coming to and from George and Tom and Eric and others, but there is no music business, and art is allowed to happen, and for once matter most. The music chases us and become us, playing mates with blogging, sound marries voice, beautiful babies everywhere.

The children are playing now, by the big rocks just up over the hill. We can see them from every window, and we know they are safe. There is no danger here.

Frank Paynter has fashioned a wooden swing for them, it hangs from a willow by the picnic table. I see them now—Chris and Doc are having coffee at the table, writing notes, looking up long enough to see the children laughing as they play King of the Hill on the tallest boulder. There are no band-aids here, because there is no hurt.

Kent is happiest sitting at the edge of the pond, wondering how the fish move so quickly, blogging wirelessly as they feed on the grass at the bank.

Our world is unbroken. The union of mind/soul/spirit/sky/earth/fire inside this place can fix the world, and we set out to do just that. No politics, no leader, only a singularity of heart. The world looks in on us, every once in a while, when David lets them know what we’re doing. He’s careful to let on just enough.

As we invent and create and blog, the power of this one human mind, one human kind, begins to trickle into the world, and everything it touches shines. Outsiders succumb to the sharp glare of our ideas, they stop resisting and let us in. Let us deep within. And we transform them.

We transform them.

As news of our power to heal grows, even corporations take notice, and in exchange for our ideas, converged knowledge, they fund and help sustain our community. They aren’t allowed to visit us. They cannot send anything inward, they are only allowed to capture what we send out.
David is there, to make sure they do right by us. And if they don’t, we cut their circuit. We appreciate their sustenance, but don’t need their gifts.

It is the end of the day, my first day in this world, and I am at peace, a peace I never knew.

My soul and heart are rested, mended, my mind on fire.

This is the place where I feel most alive.

May 16, 2002

Locke Locks In On Blogging

There's a wonderful interview with Chris Locke on Marketplace Morning Report that hit the airwaves this morning, tickling the ears and brains of some 2,000,000 listeners (yup, I said two million).

You can listen to the RealAudio stream here or go to the marketplace.org homepage and click on "The Best of Today's Morning Report."

Chris may not tell you, but I will, that Tess Vigeland was so jazzed about the blogging topic that she got the segment extended from something like two minutes to a full six or seven minutes.

The best thing about this is that Chris Locke is one of our own. Tireless champion of the net and weblogs. If you're tired of non-bloggers talking about what we do, go take a listen to Chris and drink up the good news. While you're at it, blog the hell out of this.





May 15, 2002

stop trying (and get real)

RageBoy takes Mike Sanders to task about his latest generalizations and misobservations. I'm glad to see those I respect popping a vein over this guy. What Mike's doing is destructive, for all the reasons I mentioned here and then some. Not least of all is his binary (thank you AKMA) notion of "Truth." Thank you RageBoy for that much deserved ass whippin'.

May 14, 2002

it's all about the phonalogue

I mentioned in this post that I’d started talking realtime, over the phone, to some of my blogger friends. Haven’t gotten to everyone yet; the list is long. The calls unfolded in assorted ways, but each one has been rich in meaning and a familiarity that has me a little shaken. Buzzed. Flying high even. Six cups of coffee buzzed-high. Words to ideas back to Words again, the spoken takes wing from the written, and back again.

I’ve said it this way before:

“Our talks are conversation on the fast track. Formalities gone, veils dropped, history already shared, why not dig right into the present moment? Why not get real, and real quick? Let's tell it like it is. I already have, and you like me so far.”

I think there’s a story in this, that some of us are compelled to take blogging off the screen and back around to one-on-one conversation, hypercharging an old medium with a new context for interaction.

How many others have back circuited their blogging relationships to the telephone? Have you called another blogger? Feel like sharing your story? Let me know if I can use your name, blog, and experiences for something I'm writing – for publication here or elsewhere. And I'll keep you posted on any progress. Deal? Leave comments or send to ewriter@bellsouth.net.

On the horizon, a blogger con-call? Why not. It ain't blogcon, but it has promise. Takin’ the party to the party line.


so fucking timely

One of the beautiful things about blogs is their timeliness--especially compared to traditional media. No editors to run things through. No fact checking to be done. No interviews needed, because bloggers are living and blogging in the moment, on the scene. Everywhere someone is blogging. Evidence, Shelley Powers was the first to report on the San Fran earthquake yesterday, because, well, it shook her apartment. Congrats to Shelley for scooping major news outlets.

Halley Suitt Interviews David Weinberger

Great post on Halley's blog today in which she interviews David about SPLJ. One excerpt from David:

"Business is anal-perfective. It's incapable of admitting that its products aren't perfect even though we all know that. Marketing just naturally assumes we want to see idealized images, and we have learned not to trust those images. But slickness on the Web feels out of place."

He took the words right outta my mouth. Again.

this morning I...

Dropped off my darling at her school. Went to the post office to mail some important bills (late), slipped them in the mail box, then remembered they had no stamps. Asked inside what to do. they said to wait; they'll come back to your house soon. Launched an investigation into the package I spent $32 to mail to china two weeks ago, which has disappeared in chinese customs or somewhere along the way. Felt glad I hadn't put anything even more personal in the box. Wrote a survey results document for work; filled out billing and project forms for work; started a byline article for work; noodled on old writing projects that are late and stale. Called orkin to make sure the termite bond on our house was paid. Read weblogs--akma, joho, matrullo, my own. Wrote emails. Started writing this. Ate a turkey sandwhich. Wondered why the squirrels keep eating my house. Ate a salad. Turned on TV and turned it off again. Did more work for work. Wished i had better food in the house.

Does it get any duller than this?


May 13, 2002

he's at it again

Tom Matrullo posts a wonderful response to Sanders' latest name-calling escapade, in which he tries to oversimplify the elegant insight of AKMA on the complexity of the problems in the middle east. Tom's friendly and direct response to Mike's latest attack (and they are, in my opinion, attacks) was a thing of beauty. Me? I chose on 4/21 (post-blogskining, that link isn't working) to put it another way, asking Mike to remove me from his blogroll. Because I think what he is doing is wrong. I'm not sure why Mike blogs--most of what he does is twist the meaning of what others say and respond to that "new" meaning in a way furthers his personal blogging agenda, generating links, whether it's through Tiger Woods' girlfriend or the Arab-Israeli conflict. Not to say he doesn't care deeply about Israel. I would not question his personal dedication to his cause. It's just the way he's going about it that's preverse.

I've stated what I think is wrong with that blog before, but will state it again:

-Labeling another blogger as "pro" or "anti" anything--especially anything that strikes at the core of their personal belief system--without giving backup is wrong.

-Picking apart bloggers who are brave enough to get personal on their own blogs without daring to get personal yourself is wrong.

-Posting inflamatory comments on your blog without a comment mechanism for others to contribute to the conversation or defend themselves is wrong. [oooh, but it does get you linked.--ed.]

-Using your blog to deliberately inflict pain on others is wrong.

-Using a global medium to state your views without acknowledging the global context and ramifications of what you say is wrong.

-Accusing others of being unfair and insulting when you practice the same regularly is wrong.

I

ache

CNN - Upsell? Like Hell!

I don't know about you, but when I've had something online for a long time, I really don't like to be told I have to pay for it. New features? Yeh, I usually ante up. But not for something you used to give me--something that doesn't really cost you anything extra. Especially news. Haven't we learned our little lessons there?

Well, morbid curiosity led me to click on the Lion bites the zookeeper's arm off story at cnn.com just now.

Not too much information there. The zookeeper had been showing her family around. Big lion with big teeth severed her arm at the elbow. She's in serious condition. The lion's future is uncertain. Very sad. Indeed.

So sad that I really wanted to see the video of it. So, like I've done a hundred times before, I click the video link. And I get this little beauty. Huh? I can't see the video unless I pay? Hello? No free trial for me either. I know what free trials mean--mean's it's gonna cost me once I get used to it.

But the best part is, go to properties and see what the web smarties at CNN named the file - "cnn_upsell.html". Isn't that precious? And all this time I thought they were doing it to provide "more video at a higher quality than ever before."

Transparent. Bullshit. Keep your video, CNN.

I'll read it on the blogs next time.

journey

Tired. raw, nerves exposed, ready-set-hurt-me, take me down, don't take me down. Vulnerable, aching, wondering, open spaces, expansive, engulf me. Take my soul, don't take my soul, Leave me, keep me, caught in the current, sinking, fingertips break the surface, one last grasp at nothing, hopeless, helpless, the freedom of loss, the agony, my own loss, loss of self. If I go and come back, who will I find? she, me, empty still? Truth, lies, blindsided, rewind the movie, slowly, watch again, still don't see. Flying now, soaring, exploring, unending sky rolled in clouds, taste, sweet cream, not my dream. Until.

May 12, 2002

those who can do AND teach

A mini blogtank so to speak has sprung up to take care of AKMA's blog. This is the most beautiful thing I've seen out here in a while. Not only is Dorothea Salo taking care of business at AKMA's place, but she's TEACHING how to do it by blogging her remake. Others have started pitching in--Jonathon Delacour and Mark Pilgrim among them--and it's turned into a U Blog University deal. Wow. Crap. Consider the implications. Our kids attending AKMA's university located on a blog that Dorothea built. Ya baby!

Um, in case you guys haven't noticed, I tried to skin this thing, and it could use a little help--especially the archives page, which looks exactly like it did before, because I have no idea what to do. But that's okay. I can wait. Someone mentioned spare change. I can come up with spare change. Keep it in mind. There's other functionality I'd like, but have no idea how to make work.

In the mean time, I'll read along and try to learn something.

the reign of estrogen

Women going it alone. They now amaze me. I'm in my second month of single-motherhood-for-the-moment, with George in Hong Kong, and I have a new appreciation for women who are thrust into the single-mother game. Especially women who are mothers of daughters. For really scientific reasons (so says me).

Look, the absence of testosterone in a household, combined with an overabundance of estrogen, is just not a good thing. I've seen it in companies I've worked for. Those places where the first meeting in the morning means two or three women crying, or at least one of them walking out in a fit of rage, punctuating their departure with a slammed door.

Women-dominated companies, like women dominated households, have some special challenges, and you can call me crazy all you want, but the truth of the matter is the truth of the matter. Ying to yang, man to woman, father to daughter, mother to son, these are incredibly important relationships. And when one part of the equation is out of balance, everyone in the vacinity of a hurling Barbie Doll pays the price.

I'm convinced that estrogen needs testosterone to bounce against. Without it, the power of estrogen takes over, turns you into someone you really don't recognize. Mirror mirror, where did my man-half go? The changes in my daugther--and her relationship with me--over the last month are nothing short of scary. Since when did I live with a teenager? I thought she was four. And yesterday, when she tried to take a chunk out of my arm with her teeth, I realized, yes, she still is four. She's just part of this estrogen storm that has taken over our house.

Is it that she wouldn't dare with her father home? Maybe. But to me, it feels very physical, a real imbalance, a gush of energy with nothing to soak it up, spilling everywhere, until she storms upstairs, yells, "FINE THEN!" and slams her door. Always making sure to open it and add, "I'm NEVER speaking to you AGAIN."

So single mothers, you get my personal "How in the hell do you do it" award. No trophy or anything. Just amazement.

Come home soon, Papa.

the belch heard round the world

More convergence of realworld and online ties today. My family--daughter, husband, and me--spoke for the first time over the net, him in Hong Kong, us here in Georgia, thanks to Yahoo IM's Talk feature. He finally found a cybercafe barely quiet enough to hear us, and my laptop finally cooperated.

The result was an amazing (to me) family dialogue taking place on opposite sides of the world as we lived our lives in our normal abnormal way. Different from the phone? Yeh, it felt different. Some twisted kind of speaker phone is the best analogy. Maybe because I realized that, out of a PC on an Island in Asia, my daugher's belch rang out loud and clear, for all to hear.

"Daddy, did ya hear my burp? Did ya daddy?"

"Yes, sweetie. I heard your burp."

What's not to love about that?

May 11, 2002

talking live and unplugged

Funny thing about blogs and voice, I mean, that we don't have any spoken voice here, but we talk our asses off. Recently, I've had a chance to talk to three popular bloggers--Chris Locke, Elaine, and Halley Suitt by phone.

Why these three? I'm not sure, really. They were destined in some way, so much parallel thinking and talking that we might have exploded if we didn't start sharing some inflection and affection in real time.

In each case, my time on the phone with these friends has amazed me. What have we done here among the blogs? Are we jumpstarting friendships that would have existed anyway, had we lived in the same town, run into each other at a conference, worked at the same company?

Is it deeper than that? The shortest talk I've had with a blogger has lasted about 1/2 hour, the longest well over an hour.

Our talks are conversation on the fast track. Formalities gone, veils dropped, history already shared, why not dig right into the present moment? Why not get real, and real quick? Let's tell it like it is--why not? I already have and you like me so far. Rejection isn't much of a possibility, or you would have tuned out long ago.

And isn't that so nice.

As Halley and I talked, we tried to figure out why it is that we'd go to the matt willingly for any of our blogger friends, take hits that we wouldn't take for most of our offline friends. Why so passionate over some words in a template? Why do I feel like I've known these friends all my life?

I think it's based, in part anyway, on what we ourselves let go on our blogs. Since I've shared most of my life, even if compressed and scattered, here on allied, I feel that somehow you all have lived it with me. Co-conspirators indeed. You *were* there when my dad died in 1969, even if only for the re-lived version; I was there when Halley's dad died recently, even though I live 1,000 miles away; And Chris's heart? Talk about living it.

The bonds of blogs are growing tighter in a way I certainly never imagined. The roles we have played in one another's online lives have reached critical mass, and now we are beginning to see leakage into the RealWorld. I am watching, amazed, as I find myself in the middle of this powerful web, reaching into the RealWorld, as strong lines of silk weave back to and among my blog selves.

Digital jumpstarting analog.
A universe unfolding.

This call may be recorded for training purposes

THANK YOU for the comments on fixing this place up. I'm still having trouble on one thing--getting my permalinks to work. What am I doing wrong?? I tried starvosthewonderchicken's suggestion, but I guess I didn't do it right--OR is it something with my archive page (which I guess I still have to skin). Remind me not to do this again. Help?

May 10, 2002

new canvas

one note--please don't ignore my cry for help below. archive trouble post-skinning.

Now. Wow. I'm in a new house and I'm all disoriented. Same shit laying all over the place, but this new blogskin feels funny. I'm sure I lost a box or two in the move.

Canvas. Look at it this way, I tell myself, it's like a new canvas, a new palatte.

We'll see how long it lasts.
Not that I loved my other template. it was stale.

but still

how do I write on this canvas?
Short bursts?
Golby-sized posts?

This is not my beautiful font...

Well, I'll play around with this. Any opinions at all, leave them in the comment box assuming it works, or email me.

night ya'll.



Send Skin Help

Where the fuck have my archives gone?

Does anyone know? Okay--here's what I'd LIKE this new skin to do. Let me copy the table that says "archives," paste it beneath the long "stuff" table, and have all my archives hang out down there, lower right netherregion, til they get long enough to care about, by which time I should be hosting my own blog, like I could ever figure that out.

So, what code do I copy, where do I paste it, and how do I get my archives to show up in the table?

Have these colors made anyone actually puke yet? Please, I'd love to know. I may add a scoreboard.

I liked it til I started adding in all my clutter.

God I wish I could design.

Ah well, we all have our gifts, eh?

Thank you for obliging me.

I would so appreciate your generous assistance.

jjjjjjjj.

Today

blogskinning in progress.... eeeeeeeeeee!

May 9, 2002

staying power

There in the midst of it,
so alive and alone
words support like bone.

Mercy street – peter gabriel


To me, there is an amazing link between consistency of idea and brilliance. Those who invent ideas and nurture them, staying the course while the world swirls around them--up economies, down economies, political upheaval, terror attacks, you name it--all the while their teeth clenched around a message that is fundamentally important and undeniably consistent. An idea that is sustained over time. Resonance carried across markets. Brilliant.

Few in business do this. Especially marketing types. Most of us attach to the latest theory—from chasms and tornadoes, to markets of one, to permission and viruses. We marketing types live our lives this way, blowing in the wind, hoping for a soft landing on a cushy pile of money at just the right moment, with the idea de jour as our parachute.

And then there’s Chris Locke, a case study in brilliance (and maybe two or three fascinating neuroses). A search on google groups will show you that Chris Locke has been delivering the news on the net and business since the net met business.

Thank you, Jack Schofield, whose article Rebel without a Pause today in The Guardian did Chris Locke justice. Schofield captures much of the man, the spirit, and the mind that is Chris Locke. Applause from me to you, Jack. I care about the guy. And the message.

In the article, Schofield describes the staying power of EGR this way:

“It was often very funny, sometimes intensely moving, full of ideas, and beautifully written. It was, in short, the sort of thing no conventional publication would allow, but it couldn't be stopped on the web.”

As the message and the medium, so goes the man.



May 7, 2002

Go to Hell

This blog from journalism focused poynter.org is tracking the sex abuse crimes in the Catholic church. More coming on this topic to a weblog near you--soon. In the mean time, feast your eyes on some of these revelations from the last few days:

"Few of the 51 sexual abuse complaints against Metro Detroit priests released to prosecutors last week are likely to result in charges because the cases are too old, two prosecutors said Monday."

"A former altar boy sued the Vatican, the Archdiocese of Miami and two Roman Catholic priests on Monday, saying he was forced to participate in orgies with priests as a teen-ager 30 years ago."

"The Rev. Paul Shanley traveled to Thailand in March and spent as much as a month in a vacation spot infamous for its child-sex trade, likely meeting up with fellow priest and longtime companion John J. White, according to Thai immigration documents."

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I didn't put out in my last confession.

May 5, 2002

I've been waiting so long

It's getting near dawn,
When lights close their tired eyes.
I'll soon be with you my love,
To give you my dawn surprise.
I'll be with you darling soon,
I'll be with you when the stars start falling.
-Cream



When I see him, it's from a distance. A good distance. He sits with the guitarist, on the back edge of a big blue 1970s Oldsmobile wagon, outside the festival tent, getting ready for the next set. It comes at once--kids in the schoolyard walk up behind and kick your knees out from under you--that's the feeling. I stand on the dirt path, fixed in a secret place, wondering who he is, deciding to watch him for a while, at a distance. I'm just 21, catholic college girl, come out virginia, wanting, afraid of wanting, and wondering. Catholic school girls do a lot of that.

The drums hit, and they head back to the stage. Numb legs carry me closer as they start to play.

Daughter of a bassist, is that what calls me closer? Resurrecting my father, why not. That place I see him go as he leads the band further out, his back arched, eyes full of a pain that is my pain, releasing it, bass to the sky, electric orgasm.

Isolating the bass is a trick I've played since I was four, the low end has always mattered most to me, born into bass, take me home, take me from this place, I am so scared, alone, I am so eager to go.

He never saw me that day,
but he took me.

When we meet face to face, it is night, not day. This is no accident. I go with a single purpose, to find him, to let him find me. This night is especially hot and sticky inside Schnoz's, a Rochester hotspot in its day, and that day was September 21, 1984. In the club, you don't know where your body ends and another begins, beyond crowded, elbow to gut, beer spilling, feet stuck to tacky floor, we are all in this together.

About to sign with MCA, Cabo Frio is just starting to tour nationally. When they play in town, everyone goes. I didn't know any of that then. I only knew this: he was the most beautiful, passionate, talented, exciting man I'd ever seen.

The spotlights hit--red plus blue plus black equals ecstasy. I dance my ass off, and God it feels good to be 22 this night. I watch him the whole time. He watches me, and I know it, and I move just for him, and breathe in every note, watch his fingers climb up and down the neck with ease and precision I've never seen. And when it's all over, I sit with my girlfriend at a table, we're smoking our brains out, hair dripping, talking about what we should do tomorrow.

She gets up. I see him coming. Every breath of air is sucked out of me, and I wait. I've been waiting so long.

I press out my Carlton menthol--yeh, I was trying to quit--in the ash tray and he's standing there. Holy shit. Holy shit. What do I say? But he speaks first.

"Hey, I smoke that brand too," he says.
"Oh, really?" I say.

Yes, those are our first words. When we look back now, we have a good long laugh. Two smooth operators. Heh.

But to me, this night, his words echo across the sky, wrap around the moon, and come to rest in my solar plexus. We talk. We stare. He takes me to his place, and we talk all night, on top of the covers, until he falls asleep and I lay staring at him, too electrified to sleep, wondering what I am doing--this is not real. He tells me that night, before sleep, that he wants to marry me. I wonder if this is real. Think I'd better go home.

And I do go home. And I spend the next six months trying to push him away, the intensity terrifies me, dark savior why did you come for me? I tell myself I am too scared, and I don't understand, and I'm not ready, and I'm only 22, and I don't know what love is, and I've had a shitty life, and I don't deserve to be loved, and do I really want this life, and maybe I should go back to school, and I have issues with men, and what I tell him is this: "I'm not sure I can ever love anyone."

With this, he says, okay. I get it. Goodbye.
And he goes. Away. For a long time.

Without him, I can't love, I can't walk, talk, hear, live, eat, breathe, think, write, work, laugh, sit, stand, lay, smile, drink. The pain is so gut wrenching I vomit. Every day. What have I done?

He moves on, with one eye watching me still, and I set out with a passion I didn't know I had to get him back. I would kill to get him back. You don't understand. I know what I want now. I get it. Thank you, you have shown me love, reminded me of loss, I know the difference between together and alone, and I hate alone, and I get it. Okay. I get it. Take me off the torture wheel, will you?

I leave him cards on his car windshield. Other women take them off. I call more than I should. I'm pained and I'm pitiful.

And I'm still the one he wants.

"I've been waiting so long
To be where I'm going
In the sunshine of your love."


And he comes back. He holds me and Heals me. He captures me and frees me. His strong arms hold me up. His love lifts me up higher.

And in the 17 years since then, we've weathered storms that could sink well-armed warships, We've watched our friends' marriages go down in flames, and we hang on. At the core, it is the music, so tightly allied with love, there is a chord that resonates between us, sustained, even in the hardest of times.

Sustain. Resonance.
The secret of voice, the secret of love enduring.













May 4, 2002

Haven't laughed in a Day

But I found Fishrush's Vowel Blog hysterical. Does this mean I've cracked completely? I'm hoping he comes out with an article or preposition blog really soon.

Thanks for the chuckle my finned friend.

When you start taking bets, let me know

The gauntlet has been tossed. fishrush and Eric "RapBlogger" Norlin are taking it to the streets for the Chicago Marathon. May the best man win, or at least not blow out a knee.

Who's your money on?

May 3, 2002

Spill

Feels like
Colored rain
Tastes like
Colored rain
Rain down colored rain...
Rain...
Bring it on down, babe
Spill.

-Traffic



Bad weather here in Georgia this day. Sadness spills and fills my street. Dropped my life off at school today—postcard from her daddy tight in her hand. It’s the first postcard she’s ever seen, and it’s from her daddy, even better, she misses him so much. She runs up to the circle where the teacher sits with the children, starting to read a book. A book my daughter could already read on her own. The circle is isn't about story time, the circle is about structure, control.

This day, my daughter can’t sit down. I found myself, standing inside of her, so excited to share these words, this picture from daddy. She holds in her hand the missing piece to the puzzle that is her world. At that moment, there is nothing more important to her—to the world—than this 4X6 piece of cardboard.

The teacher says, “Please, sit when you come into the circle.”
“I have this,” holding it out.
“I’m reading a book right now—you need to wait.”

Crushed that her world isn’t their world and our world doesn’t fit like it used to, how do you make sense of that at 4? And I think back to my own education—what mattered to me, did it ever matter inside those walls? Slice and dice, pound the peg, take your seat. Hail Mary, Full of Grace.

I left, and I didn't look back.

The money that we spend on school isn't what bothers me. It’s seeing the future, the lifetime ahead of conforming or paying the price, of not relishing the unique, the spirit unlike, the one who is so much more.

I have no way to fix the future, never mind the past, and that’s what bothers me this day.

Torrents of torture, rob my soul, tie my hands, take their toll.
Wet with sadness, more rain on the way.

"Bring it on down, babe"

Spill.


May 2, 2002

Shine

RageBoy and Chris Locke have converged this week for a spectacular solar display of the human soul. This cacophony of music and colors, not experienced since 1969, is intensely brilliant. Do not stare directly at it. Best to use one of these while viewing this or this.

There is so much--a lifetime really--within these two EGR sends. There are moments and hours, there are years and painful seconds, a tune out time, a soul out of rhythm, finding the cadence, hitting the groove, and then back again to that electric, archetypal (aaah!) place called loneliness.

The ideas----of rubber soul, bounceback, resonance, relativity, actions and reactions, and what voice has to do with it-----these are what make me tick as a blogger, and as a human. Echo? I'm not sure about echo, because an echo, after all, is you resonating unto yourself. Forced masturbation. And that's why the echo is the loneliest sound.

I will blog more about this. I haven't slept much in two nights trying to keep my household, child, life, and job in gear simultaneously, while alone, missing the person who keeps me steady, so far, so fucking far away.

I don't want to stop blogging tonight. I want to blog all night and into morning and all day tomorrow and tomorrow night. I want to blog in the tub and in bed; I want to blog outside, on the porch, with an American Spirit hanging from my lips; I want to start a 48-hour blogathon, fueled by the raw energy, the sparks, of these ideas.

What makes me even more tired, more depressed, is that I can't--not tonight. I'm tired, spent, exhausted, whipped, physically that is. My mind wants to write, but my hands aren't willing. Tomorrow. I'll be back tomorrow. Don't let these words, these sparks, die down. Someone--Golby? Keep fanning the flames til I get back. Good night.