April 24, 2002

Daddy, I NEED You

My daughter is missing her daddy, my husband, more and more as the days pass slowly by. Playing in Hong Kong for three months, he's been gone for two weeks, and it seems a year. Tonight our daughter wept in her room, "Daddy, I *need* you," and it nearly broke my heart, for me as much as her. I remember crying the same words at nearly her same age, but I knew that my daddy wasn't coming back.

It's the needing that socks me in the gut. That desparate helpless needing, unable to manifest that person you want so badly to see and touch, the one single solitary thing that can make it all better, and I mean *all* better. But you can't form them from the air around you. You know you can't, and the knowing feeds the cycle of want, making it even more powerful as time ticks by. Tick tock, tick tock tick tock.

Daddy, we miss you.

Scratching the Itch

If you haven't read this latest EGR, you should. I've been talking a lot about getting personal lately. Why blogs are most interesting when the writer "dares to." Dares to do what? Dares to do something, anything personal. The brave hearts online are those who give a little something away to you, a piece of themselves. They give some to get some. They are willing souls who treat blogging like an airport strip search. Go ahead. Check it out--check it all out. This is all I have. There's nothing else hiding anywhere--well, anywhere you can see right now.

That's the beauty of Locke's latest EGR. Something I sent to him I'll blog here because I don't think he'll mind me sharing (to quote him who sent: "Whether it's beautiful or butt ugly, don't ever tell me not to write about it.") And it goes a little something like this, ya'll...



To an anthropological dig, a group of young scientists in cut-offs and tank tops, unearthing an ancient stone tablet, all damp and clay covered, etched with hieroglyphs from an unknown civilization, long extinct.

They hold the stone and stare at the muddy water dripping from their hands, and they realize the stone is weeping, and when they hold it to the sun, it reflects a light so brilliant they have to shield their eyes against it.

They work day and night to bring these silent symbols to life, to give them voice, and they are amazed to discover that this stone holds the secrets--the fucking *answers*--to love and loss, to living and re-living.

It is a text for human survival.

This is what you've made.


Now, all of you, go bathe in it.

April 23, 2002

Accupuncture Part 2 and Car Shopping Question

Okay, so I'm all itchy and I have a migraine. I'm hoping these are good things. Ancient cleansing or something. I don't know.

Today we have a quiz. If you had to buy a good, cheap car (or even lease one for cheap), what would you choose? I need to do just this and I have absolutely no inclinations or brand loyalty when it comes to cars. Something with a good warranty. Something cheap. That's all I need. I spent 4 hours car shopping this evening and am more confused now than before I left home, hence the migraine and itching I suppose.

Oh, and ideally I have to dump a 97 loaded Ford Explorer that I'm upside down on in the process. Forgot to mention that little deal breaker.

And I can get a GM discount if I go with GM. That's another parameter that may help you advise me accordingly.

Recommendations are appreciated. Thank you for your assistance.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll have my brain back. I'm not sure. Life is kicking my behind.


A personal wellness first

I tried accupuncture today. Wow. It was kind of amazing. No it was really amazing. Me--a hater of needles and all things pointy--laying there with these pins sticking out hither and yon (the yon ones did hurt a little). The amazing thing is that it really didn't hurt. It was relaxing and energizing at the same time. I'd find myself fighting the needles, then submitting to them, then relaxing, then I'd tighten up again and begin the familiar climb toward 'freak out,' in this dark room all by myself looking like a pin cushion, and then I'd submit again. A few times I even found myself thinking positiviely. Imagine!

I'm hoping it's going to help relax me a little, center me a little, bring me back into focus, which I've wandered pretty far away from lately. There was a book the office I think I'm going to get about TCM (traditional chinese medicne) called The Web that Has No Weaver. How appropriate is that to the net, blogging, and the discussions flying around out here these days? Yah, I know it's not about the Internet, but something in the interconnected nature of Chinese medicine does parallel what we are doing here. Anyway, this is a short and boring post, but to me it's exciting because I faced a fear (needles) and did something positive for me (accupuncture and herbs), which doesn't happen all that often.

more later.................. going to lick my wounds now.

April 21, 2002

A Personal Blogging First: Remove Me

There are many firsts as we begin our lives as bloggers. Registering for the first time with blogger.com or your tool of choice. Choosing you first blog template. Executing that first "link." Adding the first bunch of bloggers to your blog roll. Publishing your very first post. Reading the first comment that makes its way to your site. All of these are blogger milestones, those things that get us "jazzed" and propel us along in this journey called blogging.

Today I have another personal first. It's not one that gives me great personal joy, as those I've just mentioned. But it is something that I feel I must do: I've asked Mike Sanders to take me off his blog roll. I've never asked to be removed from a blog roll before. Yeh, it's not too smart in terms of linkage and google results. But sometimes you have to say, "enough."

The idea of removal was something Mike mentioned a while back. He offered to remove anyone from his blogroll that couldn't define terrorism, or who didn't think terrorism was always wrong, or something like that. I have neither the time nor inclination to search through his archives to find the exact post. I do remember this--when I read it, I had a little urge to say: "Remove me." It was too Bush-like for me... Too limiting. That "You're either with us or against us" mentality that doesn't sit well with me. But I let that go, figuring Mike was just hot-headed over the current state of affairs, which was understandable.

There's a lot in the middle here you'll never know. The emails I've received from Mike that I felt insulted and provoked by. I won't go into them here. Mike's view is that emails aren't for the public square, and I'll respect that.

Instead I'll say this: I blog, in part, to learn. That means digesting what others have to say. It does not mean rushing to judgement, putting up walls, tearing down ideas, labeling people, or name calling. Mike Sander's post today where he goes after Mike Golby is just that kind of post, and it's not his first. He takes a shot at Doc and others he's labeled "peace bloggers" too.

On Golby, Sanders says: "For me the breaking point came when Mike Golby continued to express his virulently anti-Israeli viewpoints which were picked up in varying degrees by others. The irony is Mike seems to be a nice guy and if it wasn't for his diatribes I would probably still be a friend."

This is both painful and exhausting to me. I'd like to just leave it up to you to figure out what's wrong with this. I'd like to say: If you can't figure out for yourself what is wrong with this, then find a Blogging 101 course -- no, a humanity 101 course -- and sign up. But it would be a cop out to stop here...

...because there are so many things wrong with it.

-Labeling another blogger as "pro" or "anti" anything--especially anything that strikes at the core of their personal belief system--without giving backup is wrong.

-Picking apart bloggers who are brave enough to get personal on their own blogs without daring to get personal yourself is wrong.

-Posting inflamatory comments on your blog without a comment mechanism for others to contribute to the conversation or defend themselves is wrong.

-Using your blog to deliberately inflict pain on others is wrong.

-Using a global medium to state your views without acknowledging the global context and ramifications of what you say is wrong.

-Accusing others of being unfair and insulting when you practice the same regularly is wrong.

There's more. Isn't there always? But I hope this gives some reasoning to why I am drawing the line, why I am saying, "Take me out of this conversation, remove me from the discussion, take me off your Blog Roll please, Mr. Sanders."

There are some who will read this and say, "Oh, she's just allied with Mike Golby." If you take out the "just," I'll agree with you. I am allied with Golby. I see in him a level of humanity and caring that is refreshing and sometimes astounding--and its something he has brought to the art of blogging that has inspired a whole new era of bloggers.

Seeking to become more than "opinion bloggers," Mike and I stand allied together and say, "We will put ourselves into our blogs; we will get personal." What we give you is not just words and current events, but the context for our words and life events, the dramma, joy, and tragedy that has informed us and our words. We try our best to reach through your screen and touch you on the arm--"Hey, we're here. We're *really* here." We dare to give you the whole picture.

If you think that isn't personally dangerous or risky, then you haven't tried it. And maybe you should.