March 17, 2007


Alphonse "Tootie" Dimino
December 16, 1930 - March 17, 1969

the school of the dead

As I waver between life and death in my own hospital bed, 30 years after his death, on his birthday in fact, I am somehow not surprised. Terrified, yes. Facing death is not something I'm prepared for. My new baby is just 9 weeks old. How did I get here?

When you lose a parent early in life, you wonder if you'll make it past the age they were when they left you. Every child of death wonders this. That's why I'm not surprised to be near death myself at 36, the same age he was when the luck of the Irish eluded him.

In my hospital bed, hemorrhaging uncontrollably, I am violently enrolled in what Cixous calls, "The School of Dreams." Because I don't die; I live. But in walking the line between here and there, I dream. Images as vibrant as those five-year-old memories, scenes that will carry me through the next half of my life.

Bleeding to near death. Watching helplessly as my lifeforce leaves my body, playing tricks with my mind and taking small pieces of my soul with it, my sanity too. The emptiness is unfathomable. As a new mother, instincts of self-protection battle with the responsibility of caring for this new life. I don't want to see her; don't want her to see me, not like this. My one gift to her: protect her from images of her dying parent--I know how they haunt.

But she comes to visit just before surgery. My sister carries her down the elevator toward the operating room, this small life that has almost cost me mine.

Anxiety gives way to resolve. Once again, I cannot control. I cannot fix myself, I cannot fix my family. I let go, I go to sleep. And I dream.

Dreams of pain. Dreams of loss--where is my baby? My husband is gone--no, there he is. And I hear talking, outside of myself. Again.

I am a dream within a dream. A death within a death.


the school of the dead 2

Cixous writes: "For a long time I lived through my father's death with the feeling of immense loss and childlike regret, as in an inverted fairy tale: Ah, if my father had lived! I naively fabricated other magnificent stories, until the day things changed color and I began to see other scenes--including everything I could imagine that was less consoling--without overinvesting."

I tell all my friends growing up that my father died of a gallbladder operation. Because no one tells me otherwise, even though he lived another six months after that operation. My fourth grade teacher tells me it is very unusual for someone to die of a gallbladder operation. She says, "Are you sure?" And I wonder if I'm hiding something.

I'm 21 before I ask.

My mother tells me the truth then, about the day he had his operation and the doctors took her in a room, there by herself, to tell her that her husband's gallbladder is fine, but his pancreas isn't. The diagnosis is pancreatic cancer. The prognosis, much as it is today, omonous. Six months maybe. My mother tells me the news rips her apart, and her first and strongest instinct is to wail for her own father. "Bring my daddy here. He'll know what to do. I need him." But there is no comforting to be done for this family.

There will never be comfort again.



because, there is no bypass for loss.


Unprotected and vulnerable, there are no words to clothe you, to make you beautiful. You are raw, revealing yourself by the clumsiness in your covering. we live naked, a rack of peacock feathers can't cover your scars.

I see every one of them in the space between your words.


March 16, 2007

tara talks twitter

tara tells why she loves twitter over on HPC. I commented on my on-again-off-again twitter relationship. When the soup kitchens start twittering, let me know. Maybe then I'll fall back in love again. In the mean time, keeping up with who's dining where makes jane a dull and hopeless girl.

My own personal twitter love/hate timeline is as follows:
  • heard about twitter: sept/oct 2006
  • my first twitter -- fell in love: november 2006
  • dinner and shopping twits hog the airwaves -- fell out of love: december 2006
  • added horse-head guy to profile, fell back in love -- january 2007
  • conference minions yammer on // scoble joins; there goes the neighborhood -- fell out of love: feb 2007
  • kat herding fun increases, fell back in love - march 2007
  • more bloggers affirm micro-attention preference, and i'm out of love again.
twit on.

March 15, 2007

so this pain i'm in and other stuff

right, i'm trying to get healthy--you know that thing i keep talking about--which has me beating the literal shit out of myself at the Y as frequently as possible. today i cried it hurts so bad. a lady there is helping me figure out what to do to make a difference before i either die or give up and hang myself from the bicep, tricep, glutes and quads torture machines. film at 11.

yesterday was a breakthrough whereby i did 25 minutes on the eliptical, followed by my regular workout. first time in that place i couldn't do 25 minutes at the water fountain. so there's something.

i don't like to talk about this stuff because it's all triggery, whereby i have this retro-ptsd type thing all tied up in with it, so generally if i start talking too much about it, i'll stop and hand over whatever progress i made to satan and whoever else is in charge of the Bad Shit.

I missed seeing Shakespierce and other friends at SXSW this year. Ack. Maybe next year. Tony's the hardest working guy in showbidness 2.0, and the best part is that he is who he is who he is, having fun all along the way, grown up enough to be able to write about it from the other side, still young enough for the 'it' not to kill him.

I am a little freaked by the facial hair, understanding that last year at sxsw tony was clean shaven. Athough, none of this really matters, but it does take my mind off of that pain i was talking about.

I love Tony's story about the panel hugh was on, and his take on what bugs him about kathy sierra's approach to the web, for example he says:

[[also on the panel is Kathy Sierra who seems superdooper nice but i disagree with pretty much everything she says. beginning with "don't say I too much in your blog" and "listen to your readers". no offense, and everyone knows that i adore my readers so much that sometimes i literally love them, but seriously, fuck the readers. write from your heart and if they get it good and if they dont let them fucking die. but seriously shes a sweetie and pretty much the womans touch of the blogosphere.]]

okay but tony if you say that approaching blogging HER WAY is the woman's touch of the blogsphere, i'm going to have to head butt you, you nimwit. you know better than that. don't make me kick your ass--i told you i am in PAIN.

nonetheless i remain your faithful fan and pupil.

So about the pain thing, I got this cream from my therapist, made by a guy down in bradenton florida, it's called Savannah Gold, and THIS SHIT IS GREAT. If you like that hoticynumbing cream that lasts and takes away the ouch, then cover yourself with this cream. there was a website on the label so i ordered three more jars. i'm telling you, i don't know what's in there that might not be listed, but forget that shaklee stuff i sell and get this cream. just three of the many ingredients listed on the site are:

Camphor: Derived from the wood of the camphor tree. It gives a cool feeling to the skin and works as a skin conditioning agent, antiseptic and anesthetic.

Capsaicin: Stimulant, biological product that relieves aches and pains of arthritis by intercepting the pain signals sent to the brain by inflamed joints.

Aloe Vera: From the leaves of one or more species of aloe, it is used to treat burns and mild abrasions-- a mild skin conditioning agent.

Time for my nightly application. No i'm not making money on the cream; it's just helping me not hurl myself down a flight of stairs.

Tony gets the prettiest girls, i swear!


March 14, 2007

no lists, just action - speaker diversity and the top-dog bypass

Chris Pirillo wonders why Gnomedex didn't make Kottke's list of conferences examined for their percentages of male vs female speakers.

I'd say it's a good thing Gnomedex didn't make the list, because, although it's an interesting idea to compare today's hot Internet conferences based on these percentages, it's sort of like addressing a zero balance in your bank account by changing the numbers in your checkbook register.

It doesn't really address the lllaaarrgggerrr ppprrrooobbllem.

I wish more tech conferences were like gnomedex, and that more of today's web-tech conference organizers were like chris and ponzi. Gnomedex was fostering discussion on the tech landscape LONG before today's webby conferences (and conference organizers), many of whom are doing what they do to capitalize on web 2.0 money, the Internet economy, and the social media 'who's who' scene.

THOSE are the conferences I inherently distrust and see as suspect, and they nearly always give me reason to distrust, because they almost always take the speaker bypass of looking at the technorati top 100 or Top Dogs or Founding FATHERS of blogging, and approach them for speaking slots. These individuals are STILL the easiest to come across when you skim the web looking for voices-as-commodity. They are also pretty good themselves at going after gigs. Easy, visible targets beget easy quick conferences beget money in pockets beget notoriety for speakers and conferences, which beget more speaking gigs and conferences.

Chris and Ponzi don't skim the web. They live here with us. They participate--participated before it was trendy and highly lucrative. That is why I trust them to put together a good, representative conference, and to listen to ideas for speakers and topics if people think they should do it differently.

Back to the Kottke list: There is no universal diversity percentage that makes things okay.

Wouldn't that be simple? It would allow for more bypasses, faster conference planning, and more predictable tracks. It would allow everything to be fair and just, and would mean that no one would have to think about their own beliefs and motives. Just fill in the 38% diversity quotient at work, and then you don't have to wonder if it's okay that you wish your new neighbors weren't black.

The "right" number of women speakers for a deeply-tech tech conference might differ from the "right" number for a social marketing conference. Because there is no right number.

Except for NOT ZERO.


Use your fucking heads.

How to find good speakers? Ask the people you know who are in the populations you think are sparse or missing. Better yet, START READING PEOPLE who don't look like everyone else in your aggregator or blogroll. Then read who they read.

And if you really don't know any women or people of color, expand your world a little bit. Get off your computer, get out of your fucking house, city, state, and/or cultural comfort zone to-day.

THEN plan a conference.

Weblog Award Winner for Best Use of Tags and Categories


Kathy Sierra has since said publicly that she knows those who she named initially had nothing to do with the post that concerned her. In fact, she removed her blogged accusation from her blog, but for me, the damage was done. Google doesn't forget.



for: embalmed ones, those that are trained, suckling pigs, mermaids, fabulous ones, stray dogs, those included in the present classification, those that tremble as if they were mad, innumerable ones, those drawn with a very fine camelhair brush, others, those that have just broken a flower vase |

Full List Provided for educational/research purposes only:

a song i need...

++ a $9 (jenna's age) amazon gift certificate (AGC) goes to the first person who can get me or tell me where to download the CLEAN/EDITED version of Pump It by the black eyed peas. Don't bother trying itunes. the only clean version they have is the video. i need the song to burn to CD for a dance performance jenna has at school.

no "shit" no "ass" and maybe one nigga, but not in NYC.

give me the download link, free or i'll pay, doesn't matter, and if you're the first person to do so, send me your email so i can email you the AGC.

love this rendition...

of all her love from Bobby Womack on my myspace profile. can't tell you what album it's on... i haven't been able to find it.

Greatest Hits [Capitol 1999]
Including: Sweet Caroline, Somebody Special, Lookin' for a Love, and more...
Lookin' for a Love: The Best of Bobby Womack (1968-1975)
Including: I'm Gonna Forget About You, Lookin' for a Love, Harry Hippie, and more...
Best of Bobby Womack [Collectables]
Including: Fly Me to the Moon, That's the Way I Feel About 'Cha, You're Welcome, Stop on By, and more...
Buy album: J & R Music and Computer World -
The Poet [Razor & Tie]
Including: Just My Imagination, Lay Your Lovin' on Me, If You Think You're Lonely Now, and more...
Including: Sweet Caroline, Thing Called Love , Simple Man , and more...
Buy album: iTunes Music Store - Rhapsody - - all 10 stores »
Midnight Mover: The Bobby Womack Collection
Including: Sweet Caroline, That's Heaven to Me, Communication, and more...
Buy album: Rhapsody
Including: Christmas Ain't Christmas (Without the One You Love), Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, and more...
Buy album: iTunes Music Store - Rhapsody - Wal-Mart - all 4 stores »
The Very Best of Bobby Womack [Charly]
Including: Sweet Caroline, That's Heaven to Me, I'm Gonna Forget About You, and more...
Bobby Womack Collection
Including: Sweet Caroline, That's Heaven to Me, I'm Gonna Forget About You, and more...
Buy album: ARTISTdirect - Tower Records - - all 4 stores »
The Definitive Collection
Including: Fly Me to the Moon, I Can Understand It, Lookin' for a Love, and more...

March 13, 2007

doc does blogrolls... do you?

doc has always had one of the best blogrolls around--and when i can't think of what or who to read or run out of my own links, i always go to doc's blogroll.

SB Independent
Kevin Barron
Craig Smith
SB*Free Press
Joe Andieu
Patrick Gregston
John Quiimby
Das Williams' dad
Katy Pearce
Taymar Pixley
Lisa Gates & Dad
Cookie Jill

Everybody else
David Weinberger
John Palfrey
IT Garage
Bret Fausett
Susan Crawford
Bruce Sterling
Sheila Lennon
Don Marti
Wes Felter
Brad DeLong
Tom Evslin
Brian Oberkirch
Dean Landsman
Hugh MacLeod
Geoff Jones
Sig Rinde
Chris Albritton
Ronni Bennett
Thomas Hawk
Kevin Bedell
Deep Fun
Terry Heaton
Jay Rosen
Kim Cameron
George Lakoff
Scott Rosenberg
Larry Lessig
Jim Thompson
Jeff Jarvis
David Isenberg
Stephen Johnson
Tim Oren
Geoff Moore
Rex Hammock
This is Broken
Max Sawicky
Stuart Hughes
Dave Pentecost
John Perry Barlow
Mary Hodder
Dan Gillmor
Steve Gillmor
Dean Landsman
John Stodder
Seth Finkelstein
Renee Blodgett
Ruby Sinreich
Ed Cone
Julie Leung
Ted Leung
Ken Coar
Flemming Funch
Mike Sanders
Marc Canter
Joi Ito
Ethan Zuckerman
Doug Kaye
Jon Lebkowski
Judith Meskill
Allen Searls
Esther Dyson
Christopher Lydon
Russell Beattie
Tim Bray
Brian Millar
Mark Pilgrim
Michael Hall
Backup Brain
Frankston, Reed
Britt Blaser
Brent Simmons
Loic Le Meur
Leslie Winer
Mike Taht
Eric Raymond
Volokh Conspiracy
Steven Levy Tom Poe
Lisa Rein
Epeus' epigone
Glenn Reynolds
James Taranto
Frank Paynter
Ross Mayfield
Dana Blankenhorn
Ken Bereskin/Panther
Daily Wireless
Bryan Field-Elliot
Rajesh Jain
Oliver Willis
Gary Turner
Michael O'Connor Clarke
Jennifer Balderama
Kevin Werbach
Amy Wohl
Phil Windley
Real Joe
Greater Democracy
Mitch Ratcliffe /biz
Mitch Ratcliffe/soc
Wayne Robins
Cut on the bias
Howard Greenstein
The Poor Man
Mickey Kaus
Dave Sifry
Buzz Bruggeman
Ben Hammersley
Matt Jones
Paul Andrews
John Robb
Tom Shugart
Matt Welch
Blur Circle
Denise Howell
Chris Pirillo
Tony Pierce
Chris Nolan's
Spot On

Wil Wheaton
Brian Linse
Dan Pink
Dawn Olsen
The Head Lemur
Jeremy Zawodny
Susan Kitchens
Anu Gupta
Dave Ely
Euan Semple
Eric Norlin
Paul Boutin
James Lileks
David Williams
Mary Wehmeier
Bruner Blog
Halley Suitt
Ann Salisbury
Om Malik
J's Notes
Seth Finkelstein
Tom Matrullo
Chip Hoagland
J.D. Lasica
Phil Wolff
Andre Durand
Eric Hansen
Mike McBride
Jeneane Sessum
Chris Nolan
Gonzo Engaged
Michael Mussington
Sam Ruby
Frank Field
Rebecca Blood
Joshua Allen
Searls site
Tomalak's Realm
Tim O'Reilly
Mitch Kapor
Bill Quick
Dan Bricklin
Lou Josephs
Alan Reiter
N.Z. Bear
Todd Morman
Rex Hammock
Matthew Thomas
Brian Dear

Prince Prince Gets BIG Bux / Need a House Go to Hell

Citigroup CEO takes home $26 million in 2006

Chairman and Chief Executive Charles Prince was awarded a $13 million bonus on top of his salary and stock options last year.

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Citigroup Inc. said Tuesday that it awarded Chairman and Chief Executive Charles Prince $25.98 million in compensation for 2006, about 13 percent more than a year earlier, though costs grew twice as fast as revenue.

Prince was given a $1 million salary, a $13.2 million bonus, $10,633,333 in stock awards, $746,607 in option awards and $395,779 in other compensation, according to the bank's proxy filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.


Scary math: More homes, fewer buyers

The problem with subprime lenders means there will be more homes in an over-supplied market and not as many people who can step in to make purchases.

By Les Christie, staff writer

NEW YORK ( -- Subprime lenders are already getting crushed, but the impact rising mortgage delinquencies will have on home prices overall is still an open question.

At a minimum, it means financing is drying up for those with less-than-perfect credit and that spells fewer home buyers.

30 yr fixed mtg 5.68%
15 yr fixed mtg 5.44%
30 yr fixed jumbo mtg 6.00%
5/1 ARM 5.45%
5/1 jumbo ARM 5.63%
Find personalized rates:
The subprime mortgage market is heading for a meltdown with some major lenders defaulting on current financial agreements. CNN's Gerri Willis reports. (March 10)
Play video

And foreclosed properties will add supply to a housing market that already has too much.


live, die.

Y blog Meet UP

why do i continue to blog, i don't have a clue, but i do know that it has something to do with caring about people, my friends, and rather than proving the contrary, being a bitch now and again proves that I do care, because if you dare to be a bitch, well, at least you are risking something, a smackdown, being perceived as an ass. Good. I dare you.

well, so, some of my favorite atlanta-and-southeast bloggers are getting together sunday, and as long as jenna's "oh my throat hurts" statement from this morning doesn't turn into full-scale-what-used-to-happen-before-tonsillectomy-because... we-still-don't-know-if-the-surgery-worked-really, we'll be there.

Jenna and I are up for the meetup, and George is hoping to stop by after a mid-day commitment.

hope to see you there. if you don't see me there, send heroine.


March 12, 2007

March 11, 2007

whatisthis radio silence

i am not sure why i have felt uninspired to blog.

you see, i read thru bloglines and every one in my aggregator is coming up short, posting about the same shit over and over. sorry if that pisses off the duly aggregated. i don't care where you're flying next. thank god for my blogroll. the news vs the new.

news is more and more the same -- web 2.0 dance, political and cultural zerohood.
new is art loss death scream -- joy floats.

i'm no fan of march. march is not my month. st patrick is a motherfucker, took my daddy and my grandma, patron saint of fuck off. march 17 disappeared me.

maybe that's it. maybe that's what has left me too empty to blog, too ordinary to care, too pragmatic to explode, to hurt to bandage.

holding down the fort.

like always.

need to soar to sing again need to slice and peel again, to feel again

but it's too big too real.

stop taking me down, march.