May 12, 2003

The Strep Diary

I knew it wasn't over. She woke up parched after a bad night, fever back up to 101. Instructions were to call the doc if it all started again. They wanted to see her. We went in. She has a double ear infection, sinus infection, and strep now.

I toughened up and gave them what for, demanded this, demanded that, don't close that damn door--I'll watch while you do the mono test, and I'll watch what patients you're going in to see in what order, and I'll stand out here until you come to motherfucking attention in front of us. Salute me you punk ass doctor. Sons of bitches. You want to hear about our week? Let me tell you about the last seven days, okay? I'll tell you about the throw up and the snot and the apnea and the fevers and the screaming and a whole bunch of other things you don't want to hear. MAKE MY KID BETTER, AND GET IT RIGHT, NOW!

They changed medicines. One of the new doses is down the hatch. PLEASE let it work!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going to check on her and then rest. Oh yes, and I'm supposed to have a bid for some work done by tomorrow morning. yeh. great. I'll squeeze that in between wiping her nose and wiping her behind.

My therapist asked me (no, not recently, I still haven't gotten to go), how angry I was, on a scale of 1-10--you know, how much anger did I feel.

Funny, I really can't identify with that emotion when I'm asked about it. If someone asks me how terrified I am, how sick I am, how worried I am, I can calculate that. Simple. But anger?

I told her that I really don't feel very angry. Probably a 2. That I react to trauma by getting anxious, not getting angry.

Well, she'll be happy to know that over the last week, I've gotten in touch with my anger.

Oh yes, I'm really fucking angry. I'm so angry that if I let it rip now, it wouldn't stop.

On a scale of 1-10, I'm about 13 angry.

It's one notch below sick and tired.

Grateful is in there somewhere too.

I just have to go find it.

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