May 13, 2003


I wish I could just lay back and write. but not tonight. no taking me there, you with me, for the ride, inside out. Too many things undone around here now that the storm is easing. Jenna was her old self today, a little slower but not much. She's turned around on these new meds. Up to many of her old tricks and only took to bed for a couple of hours. Tomorrow we'll try school--she's been out a full week. She wants to go back so badly; at the same time we've had some kind of bonding around here this last week, and she told me today, "Mommy, I think I'm gonna cry when you take me to school. I'll miss you." And I'll miss her too. But in a couple of weeks the school year is over. And then she will miss all her friends. Our Pre-K graduate. Go figure.

I am so relieved she's gotten the right medication that I think I might just fall down dead. Awash in relief. That's what it is. Like a big towel that just absorbs you. It was the first time I ever saw her in a hospital emergency room. We've been fortunate and had good enough timing that she got away with five and a half years without an ER visit. I hope it's our last. For a very long time. Like forever.

The mountain of laundry is so big--can I confess I've done only one load since George went away?--that I think we may just move. Leave the mess, take the meds, and go. Not sure I can ever catch up. I stink at laundry anyway, always mixing in some bright colored single sock with the whites. Just ask George. He doesn't let me near the clothes for fear of another load of gray, or worse.

That's just one of many things that need catching up. I have to get at the little things before I get to write. Writing is a reward these days, a luxury, not a job, not a responsibility. Kind of nice for a change.

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