October 10, 2005

Senior Bucket Holder - Job Description

I've been working away on work projects with little time to blog, mostly since my side occupation for the last two days has been "senior bucket holder" to Jenna who has had the stomach bug.

Do I need to go into a job description for senior bucket holder? I think I will, because it's about more than holding a little waste basket. It's about letting your kid take over your bed and mind and soul and sleep--and doing it with love because you can't stand to see the look on her little face when the throwing up begins and the aliens come lurching out of her system. And I'm hiring!

If you have a weak stomach, go read insapundit. Oh wait, that won't work.

SENIOR BUCKET HOLDER JOB DESCRIPTION

REQUIREMENTS:

Should be a mom in her early- to mid-forties, with at least 5-10 years experience catching vomit while simultaneously comforting and cleaning sick child. Survival through at least one child hospitalization required.

SKILLS:

Ability to effectively place and secure bucket, small waste basket, throw-up bowl, or in true emergencies a bath towel, underneath the chin of wobbling, dizzy, half-lifeless child in order to catch what is expelled. Looking for 90-percent or better catch rate. Multi-tasking is a must--candidate needs ability to sooth child and hold head during expulsion while simulaneously maintaining bucket position.

Ability to dump sloshing bucket into toilet and rinse well in tub with anti-bacterial soap, spray entire area with disinfectant. Must also be able to kiss child on forehead after disinfecting without vomiting herself.

Senior Laundry Skills--knowledge of pre-wash procedures for vomit stains of all hues required. Also knowledge of disinfectant soap effectiveness on specific viral loads, direct experience capturing water temperature and wash cycle data for laundry workflow procedures.

Experience with on-child cool-water washcloth placement also required, as well as non-traumatic suppository insertion.

OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES: All.

ATTITUDE: Must maintain a cheery attitude and good overall health at all times. Desire for Sleep not necessary. Inexperienced sleepers will be trained to delay sleep onset until project completion.

Apply to ewriter@bellsouth.net. The pay is inversely proportionate to love for the child, but someday you might get to watch them graduate from Harvard and say your name on stage, or at least ring you through the check-out line at your local Safeway. Apparently that makes it all worthwhile.

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