November 16, 2005

I want to smoke so badly

I'm on a passive smoking binge. That means I want to smoke SO badly that I'll do anything to keep wanting to smoke. I suck the wind downstream of friends who exhale. I swear, to my own shame, that I had a tear stream down my cheek yesterday when I saw that the convenience station VERY near my house carries my brand of American Spirit -- the brown packs.

"Oh Oh Oh," I said to the cashier. "You've got my brand. Right here. Do you know that? Oh oh no."


"American Spirits, the brown, look at them above your head there, don't they look good?"

"Sure. $10 for the gas."

"I know but, do you know I used to smoke those? I quit a year ago, but that's my brand and I think I should get them."

I hand him the $10. He makes the register go cachunk and sticks the money in.

Then he looks at me. I'm thinking he wants to talk some more about my smoking days. Then I realize he's waiting for me to move out of the way so the guy behind me can pay for his gas.

Sometimes I just don't get people.

And DON'T come on here and tell me not to smoke, fucking shit I know I shouldn't smoke, what do you think that doesn't piss me off when you tell me that?

I love you.


richard b. said...

jeneane... its been over 12 years... and there are still times that i have to chew table legs (thank god that someone still makes them out of wood) rather than have a smoke.

*little smile* Then I think about posts like this one - ones that remind me that other people in this world 'get it'- people I really respect and like... and I can walk away - until the next time.

Thanks for helping me to keep walking away.

b/p - richard

jr said...

I'd rather you were pissed at me then dead on the slab... Step away from that smoke.

Jeneane Sessum said...

Yes richard yes. jr thanks i know and i am pissed at you do you feel better thank you much love -j.

John Bancroft said...

don't ever let anyone brow beat you into trying to quit smoking. yes you are aware of all the bs about why. if you try and your not ready it's just a path to frustration. if you want to smoke and some lizard says you can 't no smoking in here just reach for an alternative. There are some natural products out there that take away cravings. go to if you like chocolate.