April 09, 2003

wondering what I'll be when I grow up

I love TextPad. I think I could easily live in TextPad, maybe even forget writing online and just putter around in here all day. The words float effortlessly into the little white window here, like I remember it being with my Dell. Just think and float and fingers will follow.

I'm so glad it's here.

I was thinking earlier today about a lot of things. Like the taxes I haven't done and the phone calls I haven't made. Sleep I haven't gotten. Bills I haven't paid. Cat I haven't neutered. Checks I haven't received.

Stuff like that.

And things I can't remember. Like where I put my HipTop, my last remaining credit card, like gaps in my mind, dissociative states, splitting and other general trauma responses that have caught my interest of late.

Not for me of course. Oh no, I'm dandy.

Just those 6-10 million other folks around the U.S. Sure, you can call it research.

I start thinking of other research I'd like to do. I love to research and connect themes that tell a whole different story when you pair them together.

Then I'm thinking, I need to be working on a book. This is the perfect time. A book proposal at least. I've ended up in this jobless state for a reason, one of which may be to try my hand at the consulting thing. But the other may just be because I have something to say and I've had it to say for a very long time.

Then I come down to what. I've surveyed women and weblogging with the help of my sisters. But what to combine that with? By itself, it's not pumping with life's blood. It need something.

Stumped. It's right on the tip of my brain. What I'm supposed to be writing about, talking about, how to put it all together, or what parts to pull together.

Some reminders I don't want. Some truths I can tell here, but not more broadly.

Some I don't even want to tell myself.

And then what if I'm just supposed to be funny goofy sort of interesting me. Well then, this is the best place to do that.

I think I'm having career issues.

I am also sick of using the word "I" this week.

ideas?