Jonathon says I said something radical the other day, with my, "and what if I don't care?" option in my list of ways I could feel if one of my blogging friends perceived that another blogging friend slammed them, and if the other blogging friend perceived that they were slammed by the first blogging friend first, and I didn't defend either one of them. Jonathon, of course, says it in a way that's more organized and enticing:
"I dig Sessum for that. So very freaking true. Right and Wrong. Words that have contained zero meaning for to long. Well, they have been spoken to long. We are on the verge. The verge of freeing the big-big thing. The big thing that says we get to question those sacred no-nos. Not just question but throw them out. The things that make no sense. The junk that Bush says or Gore. The thing the fundamentalist pushes or that the liberal endorces. We are moving to flip out at tolerance calling for something deeper. Engaging eye-to-eye conversation. Me listening. You pouring. No converting you. That blew up the towers."
Fascinating read on what I was getting at. Just what I was looking for. Jonathon emailed me and asked for more. He said this:
"Damn. I mean DAMN. YOU HAVE to go on about this. More. Feed me. Stick the needle in. I don’t care what it costs. Push it."
It can cost a lot. It is a risk to drop the drape and show who you are--that you're not anyone's reflection, you're not a version of someone else, you're not even yourself most days. You don't know yourself when she stumbles in at 2 a.m., you don't know what you believe, sometimes you do, but days go by and you're not sure. You're not sure if believing in anything is even worth it.
The lines between love and hate, between loyalty and empire toppling are blurred. You can build a mountain on Monday and rip it down on Wednesday. You don't know how you built it or why you decided it had to go. It is passion sometimes without direction, unleashed, looking for a reason, looking for someone else out there to receive you, and if the wake of your voice pulls someone else under on it's way, then what's wrong with not caring about that?
What's wrong with setting a fire and watching it burn?
Some days I care. Some days I will roll your motherfucking soul over if you don't see it the way I see it.
Some days I want you to love me. Pretend if you have to. Bring me into the fold, welcome me into the cult, where do I sign, how do I pledge? Forevermore I'm yours.
Some days I love you unconditionally, I wonder how I lived a day without you in my life, can't live in the realworld anymore, moving to the compound in the woods so we can all cook together, read together, blog together, live together.
Some days I don't care if you live or die. I don't care about you, or you, or you. I only care about me.
Some days I don't care about me.
And what does it matter? When the music comes on and we're all listening and jamming, I'm your girl. I'm the one that'll keep it in the pocket. I'm here to hear you. To power your groove.
I wonder if you're there to hear me?
I know what it means to be real. This is who I am. I'm not who you need me to be. I'm done sweating and toiling for that. If you don't like me, I'll live. If I don't like you, I'll leave.
Does that work for you?
Take it away, Jonathon.