the posts I like the best are the ones that remind me of something I forgot I ever knew. They put words in my brain. Like Jonathon does.
"If it were up to me I would have a quiet 30 min meditation and throw some ashes out. I would laugh. I would wonder about the influence that is to be played out based on that person's life. I would make little bets about what would change."
I would make little bets about what would change. Wow. Wow. Yes. Looking back who would have known. Everything changed direction just then. And, is that so bad?
"My frustration shouts out when we don't allow those people to have present influence. It kills the person all over again. Only, no murder is proclaimed. It seems ok to kill someone who is already dead. It isn't."
That is double death, isn't it? At my house we didn't talk about his death. We didn't talk about his life. We just missed him and didn't talk about it. I perceived it too painful for my mother to mention his name, to utter the word "dad". It didn't roll off my tongue anymore as soon as he was gone. I didn't know what killed him until I was in my 20s. The only things I know about him now are the parts of me that don't feel like her.
That's the thing when your dad leaves you so early.
Jonathon mentions Halley's post about her dad's presence. I wish I felt my dad around me, wish I could access the parts of me that remember touching him, hearing him. The parts of me that knew him. By the time I was seven, adults would ask me, "Do you remember your father?" I told myself then not to ever ask a kid with a dead parent that question. Of course you remember them. You remember everything about them. They're still there in many ways. You hear them all day long in your head. You've only been alive seven years and six of those were spent with this person in your life every day all day. Do I remember him? I used to want to punch people who would ask me that.
A funny thing happens on your way to adulthood. Suddenly you've been alive longer without them than with them. Suddenly you wake up and remember very little. That sucks more than anything. I think what Jonathon says is right on--families kill the dead over and over again by keeping them so dead.
Jonathon's post is worth studying. I can't wait to see where he takes it. Perhaps onto God and theology -- he says this is a big part of what he's doing here. I want to hear more. I can't quite pinpoint where he hangs out in these areas. What makes him tick. So I'll let him take this back. In that direction. For now.
