FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Washington, DC - Sept. 2, 2005 - President Bush today declared war on Weather, which will be waged alongside other attention-diverting war efforts, including the War on Terror and the War on Drugs, to protect Americans from an enemy with unlimited resources that have recently been targeted against the south and southeastern United States.
"Make no mistake about it," President Bush said Friday, "This will be a long war, a difficult war, but it is a war we will win. Not today. Not tomorrow. But we will come out ahead by making America a safer place for our children and grandchildren."
Without another country to blame for the chaos in New Orleans in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush dedicated the full capacity of the U.S. military to defeating dangerous atmospheric pressure changes.
"Look, you're either with us or against us," President Bush said. "The weather has the potential to affect every American, and it is only through a direct, targeted effort that we can contain this enemy and overwhelm it. And we will do so."
When pointing out that another war effort could divert much-needed resources from the hundreds of thousands of refugees from the Southern United states now homeless and stateless -- and from recovering the tens of thousands of bodies that pose severe health risk to the entire region -- President Bush promised an organized, centralized effort.
"Make no mistake about it, I can wage 4-6 wars at one time without a problem," he said "In fact, there are other wars that need to be waged in order for me to continue my Presidency in way that lets me blame others for my ineptness. But I can get on planes. You see? I can get on choppers and I can see things from those choppers. I can see out the windows. You understand that? I'm flying in those choppers today to see the destruction first hand, well maybe not first-hand but from high above, well maybe down on the ground in Mississippi or Alabama where there aren't angry colored folks waiting for me, well not as many anyway, you see? That's why we have to wage this war."
Congress today approved an additional $55i33x5lf Billion for the War on Weather, which will be spent on more effective weapons, deployment of troops, and an assessment of the infrastructure of vulnerable American cities, regardless of the fact that such assessments were completed in 2001.
Public School Bus Drivers on their way to help move refugees from the Weather's most recent assault (because Grayhound was busy) to an undetermined location in an undetermined state or states hoped that the President's declaration means bullet-proof vests will arrive in time for them to join the front lines.
This is the President's second term in office. He declared a War on Terror during his first term, during which he held office illegally.