June 18, 2007

mac lady in waiting

On the phone with apple after a near heart attack, going to view my order status and seeing NO order, going to my PayPal and seeing the dough went byebye on the 15th. So I'm calling the number listed on the paypal line to find out what gives.

On hold, listening and NOT getting jiggy with the musak. pass the xanax--i assumed i was maybe a day away from holding my new macbook (COURTESY OF YOU) in my chapped hands. Sure, the only thing i did was check paypal to be sure the money was gone to apple. I didn't really think of anything beyond that. i was busy drewling.

I have Dee from apple on the phone... she wants to know what my order number is, but I have to explain that I don't HAVE an order number because ... OH FUCK CORDLESS PHONES! Battery just died. George and I are RUNNING through the house--where are the other phones? Of course they're all laying together in a heap. fuck.

I dial again.

"If you're calling about an apple i-Phone...."

no i'm not.

Dee was nice before I lost her.

She must deal with many people who have generalized anxiety disorder. She said, "We'll figure out what's going on--don't you worry."


Now I'm listening to the musak again. It's better than most.

All representatives are still helping other customers....

Okay now I have Theresa, who sounds like Dee but less therapist-like.

Oh Theresa she is so nice in tellling me my order was never made, and so I'm on paypal and i click the details on the transaction that has removed a grand plus out of my account, to find "on hold"


Now I'm calling the number on the back of my paypal visa to see what is UP.

(I am providing you with this because you, my faithful readers, are the actual initiators of THIS transaction).

"Thank you for calling paypal..." they are telling me they are having a data center upgrade tonight for two hours. Dear friends, grab your money now.

Now i'm waiting again. No good on-hold music with Paypal but they have a fancy IVR. You can talk to it. It's no Theresa or Dee though.

In fact it's a man.

Oh THIS is comforting: "Sorry, I can't find an account with that number."

Okay I'm in IVR hell.

I say the right thing finally.

Transferring to an agent.

My call is extremely important to them and my time is valuable they say. They want me to go to www.paypal.com to get answers to my question.

Oh yeah. been there. done THAT.

ebay gift certificates are easy to buy. my call is extremely important to them. due to the high call volume they are experieicning, I may want to go to www.paypal.com.



Madame Levy has come to chat with me. I am now doing three things at once: listening to paypal jabber on hold, chatting levy, typing a post.

OH and missing Theresa. I guess that's 4.

Dave Rogers would call me partial attention or blow hard or something.

Bitter Man, Blow Hard, Beggarman, Thief.

Paypal and Ebay invite you to shop the world. Your call is extrememely important to us. Due to the high call volumes we are experiencing it may be worthwhile to you to go to www.paypal.com and find the answers to your questions.

WHERE IS MY MONEY? WHERE IS MY MACBOOK? Those are my questions.

Now I am learning about identity theft.


STOP TELLING ME MY TIME IS VALUABLE. My time is NOT valuable. I will decide if my time is valuable.

My Money, now THAT is valuable. My MacBook, valuable.

Fake emails usually begin with dear paypal user or dear paypal member. We designed our system to address you by your name.

Dear Loser.


my neck hurts.

Madame Levy got me some other numbers for paypal. I'm going to dry one of those on my cell while staying on hold on my cordless home fone, while blogging this and chatting with ML.


she says she's verifying me.
am i me?
am i?
just one moment....

"Can you hold while I get some assistance with your account?"

Oh yes, I can hold. I am good at holding. Ask Theresa.

Now I get to hear about suspicious emails. Forward suspicious emails to spoof@paypal.com.

90 percent of all ebay listings offer paypal as a payment method.

[[damn--i remember when we only accepted postal money orders as ebay sellers.]]


back on nold for what's been 7 minutes now. my time is valuable.

SHE'S BACK: And HERE is the gobblygook explanation:

The reason why the funds are on temporary hold is because there is an authorization for apple to pull the funds within 5 days. On the fourth day, if they have not pulled the funds, the funds will be made available back to your account. Now there could have been a connectivity issue and Apple didn't get the final authorization. A connectivity between paypal and apple's shopping cart sometimes happens. There are sometimes a glitch for apple getting the authorization code and the transaction does not complete. If they do not capture the funds, the money will be released back to the account on Wednesday.

but i don't want the money. its my friends' money. me and them--we want my macbook.

she say she understands, and yes I told her about all of you, but there is nothing she can do except see if the transaction goes through between now and wednesday.

"otherwise i start all over again?"

"yes you do."

okay then.