So sorry, Denise...

Your Grandma Urzi ounds like an amazing woman. Now I know where you get it from.

I love her pictures.

Thinking about you.

--

she gives wings to grief

this.

I also remember how Wendy told me I would need to be careful not to feed him too much or too little. Too much would make it difficult to die, too little would make it more painful; the same with hydration. I thought that would be an impossible task, but I don’t think he lived too many days after that. I do remember my surprise when he asked for bagel pizzas and soda pop just hours before his seizure and he hadn’t eaten by mouth for days. I heated them up, made them into small bites, and he ate the whole thing. His last supper.

I remember sitting one afternoon, just him and me, making a list of all his favorite things. Like movies, and blueberry jelly bellies. I was compiling the list to use at his memorial service, but I didn’t tell him that.

After Tommy died, and I could find my voice, I made another round of telephone calls. His teachers came over from the school including Mr. Shipman, his favorite kindergarten teacher for whom he had a special love, and they all sat with his body for a bit. My sister, Marilyn arrived from San Francisco about an hour and a half after he died. I was so glad to have her there…no body else could have helped me send his body to the mortuary.

Grandma and Grandpa Smith came from their campground just moments after he left. They helped to get calls made to the Smith side of the family.

Wendy and Bill called the coroner and made sure the body was properly identified. And then they left. I asked them to come to the memorial service, and I received notes from all three, but I never saw them again.

Tommy’s body lay in his bed for about 5 hours. I’d come in and out of the room, putting away the clean laundry in his drawers. When I finished the last bit I told him, “It’s all clean now, you can pack a bag to go home.” I was glad to have time to see him still, not asleep. I could feel his body lose it’s heat. It helped me lose my fear of death.

and this.

the end begins here.

and i would like to scream for her - i am a mother too - nononono, it is not fair,
it is not fair, change it, make it not so, make it undone. Please. i am a mother too.

the point is---

grief.

---

saints among (side)men

I have met many musical giants during my 23 years with this musical great. So many are gone now -- the silence of their missing instrumentation is deafening at first. The songs left unwritten, licks left unplayed.

The Internet to the rescue? Not quite. But user Generated Content has some good points, although it's UGC "moniker" is not among them.

More and more those we have lost show up online. Through memories and clips from fans, purposefully contributed or accidentally linked, we find those we knew. Sometimes they show up through their musical associations with the big names who they helped make big through the genius of accompaniment, their solid groove, unrivaled professionalism. Example: the incredible, honorable, Mr. St. Claire Pinkney (and here) with James Brown on youtube. St. Claire, you are long and dearly missed.

---

What Are You Doing April 20th?

It's a friday. You must be free. If not, get free.

Come by allied ALL DAY, where I'll be writing original poetry and prose, realtime, in memory of my father, who died of pancreatic cancer in his 30s.

Your job? HELP ME RAISE $500 for PANCAN!

Sponsor me in The First Annual BLOG POETRY FEST for PANCAN here on allied.

All funds go to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (PANCAN), an advocacy group for patients and families dealing with pancreatic cancer. The event is set up through FirstGiving in conjunction with PanCan to raise awareness and funds for continued research, education, and advocacy.

More information will be coming soon, but in the mean time, inspire me and save the date.

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