March 06, 2004

Martha 2.0

Try to find a press release on her site. Good luck. However, with the news about Martha Stewart's "Guilty on All Counts" verdict, I thought I'd help MSO out with some pro-bono work updating their current FAQs to reflect the new twist to her brand. It's the least I can do.


Q: When is Martha's birthday?

A: Martha's birthday is August 3. She will have served two months in federal prison by her next birthday, and we'll be having a nationwide contest to mark Martha's special day. Our "Bake a File in a Cake!" contest will award two lucky contestants one conjugal visit each with Martha on the weekend of their choice. To enter, video tape your recipe for baking a file into a layer or angel cake and send it to MSO. Winners will be judged on originality, taste, and length of tongue.

Q: Does Martha have a particular fragrance she wears?

A: Martha has several favorite perfumes. She often wears Fracas by Robert Piguet and Flowers by Antonia. We have exciting news on the fragrance front--Martha will be launching her own perfume brand early next year! The preliminary round of testing on Martha's patented new fragrance -- "Prison Bitch Paradise" -- is expected to be complete this fall. Prison Bitch will be available online and in major retail locations by Christmas. Ho, Ho, Ho.

Q: I love Martha's hair. Who is her hairdresser?

A: Martha's hair has been styled by Eva Scrivo, Eva Scrivo Salon, 632 Hudson Street (between Jane & Horatio), New York, NY 10014; 212-677-7315. However, she plans to adopt a more, uh, conservative cut this summer as she turns cutting and styling over to Bashida, The Nubian Queen of Cell Block 34.

Q: What is Martha's heritage, and where are her parents from?

A: Currently, no living relatives claim relationship to the home-design star.

Q: How many pets does Martha have, what breeds are they and what are their names?

A: Martha adores her household full of pets. She has four chow chow dogs (Zu-zu, Paw-Paw, Chin Chin, and Empress Wu) and seven Himalayan cats (Teeny, Weeny, Mozart, Vivaldi, Verdi, Berlioz, and Bartok). Martha is anticipating adopting several new pets next year--deals are in the work for her to have the company of an abandoned pussy named Sunshine and a gerbil named Bitey when Stewart relocates to her new home in June.