January 23, 2004


So I decided to cut down today. Way down. Stopped at the drug store and checked out the different things available to help you quit. Never tried any before. Always cold turkey. But that's not so easy once you have a kid. Got to keep your senses about you. Can't lose your wits.

So I picked up $49 worth of gum. I dunno. Something like penance.

Was afraid of the patch. Direct line to the bloodstream and all. I don't understand it. Why not a valium patch? So you won't give a damn? Or why not sodium pentathol so you can just tell the world you have no intention of really going through with this, so forget about it.

thought of all the bad things it does to you.

had one on the way home.

got home, did other stuff. Tried to work. Got afraid of the gum. Afraid to unwrap it. It comes with an interactive CD that I was pretty sure I didn't want to see.

had one.

made more coffee. Did some more work. Coffee. Work.

had two.

went to sleep. Slept for almost four hours.

woke up feeling dead. Is this what it will be like? Thought if I had one it would help.

had one. Didn't help.

got jenna, took her to get her hair trimmed. She had a blast. Special conditioner, getting to sit under the dryer. Girls are lots of fun for moms.

had one.

got dinner, came home, played around, got jenna ready for bed, set up her bed tray so she could draw for a while, then laid down with her while she fell asleep.

leg pains. oh god this hurts. my stomach hurts. my thighs--owwwwwwwch. ouch! wtf!--twitch twitch. youch! arrrrgh.

still no gum. afraid of the gum.

why? still want to have a few more.

had two while on the phone.

feel like a rowboat in sludge.

feel like sludge.

will have one and then sleep.