Klan Rally 2008: GOP

Read between the lines.



Read these lines.

Last night, while listening to first Giuliani and then Palin sneer at Obama for being a "community organizer," I nearly lost my everloving shit with fury -- not just because, on its face, it shows a deep contempt for an engaged citizenry (back to treating activist like a dirty word again), but because, beneath its surface, it was an ugly racist dog whistle.

Ezra succinctly explains the subtext:

When Giuliani sneered about community organizers on the "South side" of Chicago, it's pretty clear what he's saying: Barack Obama spent his time rabble-rousing among black people. It's no different then when the RNC called him a "street organizer." It's fairly clear what they're trying to evoke. No reason anyone should help them mask it. A community organizer can be a PTA member or a Christian Coalition lieutenant. But that's really not what Palin and Giuliani are getting at. Obama organized poor black people. That's change you can fear.

Not just change you can fear, but change you should fear, if you're a white American with any sense. Not only are there Arabs trying to kill us, Mexicans trying to invade us, and Chinese trying to take over the world, but now there's a goddamned black community organizer from the South Side of Chicago who wants to run the country; it wasn't enough we were getting it from all sides -- now we've got an inside problem, too!

--

why they don't want palin to answer any questions

“So Sambo beat the bitch!”

--Sarah Palin on news of Obama's win over Hillary Clinton.

“Palin is a conniving, manipulative, a**hole,” someone who thinks these are positive traits in a governor told me, summing up Palin’s tenure in Alaska state and local politics.

“She’s a bigot, a racist, and a liar,” is the more blunt assessment of Arnold Gerstheimer who lived in Alaska until two years ago and is now a businessman in Idaho.

“Juneau is a small town; everybody knows everyone else,” he adds. “These stories about what she calls blacks and Eskimos, well, anyone not white and good looking actually, were around long before she became a glint in John McCain’s rheumy eyes. Why do I know they’re true? Because everyone who isn’t aboriginal or Indian in Alaska talks that way.”

“Sambo beat the bitch” may be everyday language up in the bush. Whether it – and the outlook, politics and worldview Palin reflects when she says such things in public – should be part of a presidential campaign is another thing altogether. The comment says as much about McCain as it does about Palin, and it says a lot of things about Americans who overlook such statements (as well as her record) and vote anyway for McCain.

by Charley James

Charley James is an American journalist, author and essayist who lives in Toronto.

Reprinted from The Progressive Curmudgeon

--

give unto ceasar

"Mrs. Palin needs to be reminded that Jesus Christ was a community organizer and Pontius Pilate was a governor."

-- Jonathan Martin, quoting a commentor

via Tony AKA Shakespierce.

If you haven't guessed....

this blog will be waxing political and cultural until the republicans are vanquished. For all of your pressing social media concerns, visit www.jeneane.net.

kthxbye.

If you had any doubt, the Republicans, super-charged by wingnut manic mother of the year (not) Palin, are feeling their racist oats!

Yeah, he acutally said uppity.

The Hill reports that today, Rep. Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA) used the racially-loaded term “uppity” to describe Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL):

Westmoreland was discussing vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin’s speech with reporters outside the House chamber and was asked to compare her with Michelle Obama.

“Just from what little I’ve seen of her and Mr. Obama, Sen. Obama, they’re a member of an elitist-class individual that thinks that they’re uppity,” Westmoreland said.

Asked to clarify that he used the word “uppity,” Westmoreland said, “Uppity, yeah.”

You heard it here first, from me, in April.

It's not elite to wear a $300,000 outfit to a Klan rally though.

---

Repent.

You Know Its the Sign of the Apocalypse....

When a pregnant 17-year-old girl and her baby daddy represent "Family Values" and are featured prominently at the Republican National Convention.

Who's yer Brittney Spears now?

Is Palin Lying?

Deserves re-posting from the Associated Press:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere."

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere."

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate."

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requiring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.

PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars."

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded.

Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families.

He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.

MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.

THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state — by population.

MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.

THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.

FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States."

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.

FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV. MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right — change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington — throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin."

THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats have been in charge of the House and Senate.

across the hall POW

hero on mccain

Pillow Talk

OH I get it. John McInsane told Cindi that he picked Palin because he wants to invade Russia, and she'll be more amenable to that decision - as he'll need to launch his attack from her home state -- if she's his VP pick!

And all this time I thought he picked her because she was a woman. Dumb. Me.

In Praise of Spam

Every once in a while - I think it's about once every three years - I get spam that makes my life richer - that if I had clicked 'block' or 'delete,' would have omitted a tiny piece of my life's conversation -- i would go along missing a comma, a semi-colon, a space.

It's like the death penalty spam is - i can't kill everything because the cost of one innocent is too much to pay. that's why i rarely report spam.

tonight I'm glad of my weird proclivity to spam. Because lorenzo from Italy popped into my skype.

he said this:

Hi Jeneane!
I hope I don’t disturb you. I find your address on the Skype directory.
My name is Lorenzo Pescini and I’m Italian, 40 and I’m a "new classic" compositor.
I’ve just written a new piece of romantic music with the name “Dietro la luna – Behind the moon”.
You can listen it on youtube.
In the video you will see a selection of nice paintings of Francesco Nesi, a famous Italian painter, with my piano solo music….
The address is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51lpy6ViByQ
I would like to let it know to the people because we have worked hard for it and for free!
So…Enjoy it!
Please if you enjoyed it, write your comments on the site, add it to your prefers, rate it and let know my video to your friends!
Your opinion is very important for me!

Loves
Lorenzo

Go listen to Lorenzo's music, and behold his friend's art. I'm glad I did. Thanks, Lorenzo.

leaving the kids out of it... (pass if you're tired of palin)

...or almost, the F*B*I* may want to join the internet age and make sure candidates kids and their kids' friends myspace pages get protected BEFORE lots of pictures, including under age drinking, and a caption that calls sarah palin the mommy inlaw of trig, plus lots of calling of friends nigs and wiggers and such, get uncovered by other kids. And THEN the profiles get set to private.

including Levi with either willow or bristol or the same friend who thinks Trig is her brother? [[zoom in to see the captions and comments]] - whatever the christian conservative kid, i'm thinkin they shouldn't be drinkin at 16, 17, .... (legal age in alaska?)

any other day, any other race, these would be just kids. But lies are lies are lies. and none of the lies are the fault of the kids.

social network kids - the new reporters.

eeeks.

maybe the governor should take off work more than 3 days after popping out a baby.

just sayin.

one of my favorites still

Not again - keeping tabs on gustav

Go to littleme's ning page to find out what is going on and what you can do as tragedy blows into the gulf once again. elithia shared these links via email - keep up with her as she keeps up pleeeassse.

• streaming local nola tv: http://www.wwltv.com/video/?nvid=57429&live=yes
• online prep page: http://gustav08.ning.com/profile/littlemee
• join gustv info yourself: http://gustav08.ning.com/
• the wiki: http://gustavwiki.com/wiki/Main_Page
• follow twitter tweets: @nola.com @gustavalerts and @littlemee

I'll update this post with any other links that anyone thinks might help.

And it doesn't hurt to pray.

i'm not totally sure

...but i think i've got mad sow disease.

dumb and dumber

deep understanding of the internets

all i got in this world

---->>>...scarface...<<<----

bonus: great audio/media legacy site.

...dramatic lemur...

Exsqueeze me? Fish What in a Can?

Manhattan Style, no less. Mmmmmmm.

That's what friendfeeds are for...

----

duncan's stalking my searches again.

How else would he know about this uncharted discovery on www.searchingforbigfoot.com, which has released a bone-i-fied picture that proves once and for all big foot exists right here in an undisclosed North Georgia location?

How else would Duncan have come upon the same news announcement Jenna and I had just finished looking at because she has been on a big foot hunt lately herself, having set aside "Nessy" for the time being, and that we followed some youtube videos of bigfoot to www.searchingforbigfoot.com just a couple of hours ago. (Incidentally, who knew THAT domain would be available -- the guy grabbed a goodun there, eh?).

Same guy that titled his JPEG image of one of science's most important discoveries in centuries "Thawed.JPG."

you know you're a redneck if...

ANYWAY, the point is Duncan friendfeeded this bigfoot finding and the news that the big foot hunters are taking their prey to Palo Alto for a news conference to show off their catch. ('Course they found him dead--but they always say that in Georgia. See, all you gotta do is drag him inside and it's legal).

And ANYWAY the point being dear daughter Jenna is now asleep not in HER bed but mine because she saw "Freezer Big Foot" thawed, and was grossed out to the point of nightmares.

So all this better be for real, and not a bear with his face shot off, or else someone other than me is taking a turn reading Molly Moon books as a bed-time distraction tomorrow night.

---

R U Southern?

Tomato Sandwiches. That's what makes August worth living in the heat soaked south. I'd never had a tomato sandwich until I moved down yonder to Atlanta. My friend from the Mississippi Delta introduced me to them a couple of years ago, and it's my favorite lunch -- Bar. None. -- during summer when you can get REAL tomatoes. With Hellman's Mayonnaise more than $4.00 a jar, the Tomato Sandwich has become a bit of a gourmet specialty. Let me tell you how the Real Southern Woman makes them, so you can impress your yankee friends and relatives:

Get a big-ass, plump, vine-ripe, richly-red tomato.
Get a loaf of unhealthy processed white-ass bread, the softer the better.
Get a BIG-ass spoon to dip into a big-ass jar of Hellman's Real Mayonnaise.
Cut 1/4 inch thick slices of tomato, NOT sideways, but starting with the bottom/butt of the tomato upward toward the top/stem. (more fleshy pieces this way).
GLOB mayonnaise on both pieces of bread.
Pile 3 slices of tomato on one piece of bread to cover the mayo.
Sprinkle the tomatoes LIBERALLY with salt, and even more LIBERALLY with black pepper til you can hardly see any red.
Put the sandwich together.
Lean over paper plate.
EAT IT NOW! NOWWW!

Enjoy--From Miss Manners Book of Southern Luncheons

Italian Practice Night

Speak along witha him. See howa you do.

"It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant."

Rocking The House with the truth about the other side.

My 100 Reasons to Quit Smoking (which I did 4 yrs ago!)

(This post if from before I quit - which was 4 years ago! I just came across it and realized how significantly unraveling my smoking addiction changed who I am. And I'm not done yet.)

1) The smell on me, clothes, car, stuff
2) Costs too much money
3) Takes time away from my daughter
4) Takes time away from my husband
5) I get sick too much
6) How can I tell my kid not to when it's time if I do
7) Painful lungs
8) Cough
9) I'm asthmatic, and even if you aren't, you probably will be
10) Lung cancer
11) Throat, mouth, and related cancers
12) Heart disease
13) It's digusting
14) No place to smoke at work
15) Smoking outside in the winter and the rain
16) Not being able to watch a whole movie without at least thinking about one
17) Not being able to go to the mall without stepping out for one
18) Yellowing of skin, fingernails
19) That little frown and wrinkles that come lots sooner on a smoker
20) Want to see my daughter grow up
21) Don't want to die on her
22) Want to grow old with my husband
23) Don't want surgery
24) In the humidity of summer, the smoke sticks to you
25) Hands won't get so dry if I'm not washing the smell off them all the time
26) Sinus infections and ear infections
27) Knowing that teachers, co-workers and boss can smell your habit.
28) It sucks being an addict
29) To learn to be able to say, No.
30) The Creator didn't put me here to kill myself
31) Sore throats
32) To be able to focus on just one thing--to live in the moment
33) To not always be "escaping"
34) More restful sleep
35) Less angst during air travel
36) No more having to ask at restaurants and then getting the worst table
37) No more lying to doctors
38) No more doctors
39) My daughter's school tuition
40) Vacations - money to go on them
41) Vacations - not always picking a 1st floor room so I can step out the door to smoke
42) Vacations - the long car ride to our destination, during which I can't smoke and therefore bitch a lot
43) Having to remember to get enough cigs to last the weekend.
44) Having to remember to take them with me everywhere I go
45) Tobacco all over the bottom of my purse
46) Freaking out when I don't have matches
47) Having to buy the fifth lighter in a month because I lost the other four
48) Smoking a hard-to-find brand like American Spirits means driving 5-10 miles for a pack
49) If Dave Winer can do it, I can
50) Don't want my daughter to have to push me around in a wheel chair with an oxygen tank
51) Bumming from others is embarassing
52) Self-esteem: get some
53) Fewer breaks from writing = more writing done sooner
54) To smell the wind outside my door instead of the smoke
55) My husband telling me not to drop the butts in the driveway
56) Dropping the butts in the driveway anyhow
57) My daughter staring at me when she catches me
58) Dread of the day she asks me, "What is that and what are you doing?"
59) Feeling like she's already figured it out and I'm a liar
60) Feeling like a criminal
61) Knowing I would resort to stealing them if I had to
62) Walking upstairs without breathing hard
63) More energy to work out, to care, to get inside the day
64) Wheezing
65) Prescription and non-prescription sinus medicine: costs and side effects
66) Wouldn't have to wash my coat so often - less money on water and laundry detergent in general
67) No worries about the cordless phone running out of batteries and having to cut calls short, because coming inside means no smoking
68) More money for phone bills to talk longer on regular phone
69) Blue Book value and resale potential of both cars would be better
70) To be able to complain about smokers, or at least feel sorry for them
71) Because I know it's wrong
72) Because I hate that it controls me
73) The lady I buy my cigarettes from has no front teeth
74) I hate giving money to tobacco company
75) RJ Reynolds just bought American Spirit--I'm giving my money to people I hate.
76) I'm giving my money to liars
77) Soon employers won't keep/hire you if you smoke
78) Some doctors won't even see you if you smoke
79) There are lots of new aides to help you quit
80) I've always felt better as a non smoker
81) I can get a good buzz off of coffee
82) I've quit before; I know I'm capable
83) I've stayed quit for years and know I'm capable
84) Losers won't take 20 cents off me every time I comply with their request to bum a smoke
85) Living
86) Dying
87) Being able to sit still for an hour
88) Not thinking of the next one before I finish the first
89) Not having to stash some away so I know I'll have them "just in case"
90) To be able to say, "I quit" and mean it
91) To be able to see a pack, or someone smoking, and not care
92) Those terrifying "oops! I smoked!" dreams don't last forever
93) To be able to tell others how I did it and maybe they'll decide to quit too
94) To be able to tell my husband how I did it and maybe he'll decide to quit too
95) To be able to reward myself with the new shoes I want
96) So that I can tell my daughter, in all honesty, it wasn't worth it
97) Because it's not my life to take
98) No more breath mints
99) Flicking my non-filter out the window and wondering if I'm going to blow up my gas tank
100) Because "It's Time."

America's Black Holocaust Museum Should Not Close.

America's Black Holocaust Museum, located in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, has been hit by hard economic times along with the rest of America. It's disheartening when folks have to decide whether to spend their $4-$5 on a gallon of gas or a ticket to America's "never again" museum.

Founded by Dr. James Cameron, the museum houses artifacts that mark a critical period in America's history. Cameron passed away in 2006, but left his legacy, which grew out of his basement into the permanent location on North 4th Street. He also left a legacy in his life's work.

In August, 1930, when Cameron was 16 years old, he and two teenage friends were accused of the murder of a young white man in Marion, IN. As a result, Cameron and his two friends were brutally lynched by a mob of 15,000 at the Grant County Courthouse Square.

Cameron witnessed the deaths of his friends, but, miraculously, young Cameron survived his attempted lynching. Yet, because of the criminal charges against him, he was immediately sentenced and served time in a state prison before his parole four years later. Ironically, no one was ever accused, arrested or charged with the murders of Cameron’s teenage friends, nor for the beating Cameron suffered.

Because of his personal experience, Cameron has dedicated his life to promoting civil rights, racial unity and equality. His commitment is evidenced by his founding the first chapters of the NAACP in Indiana during the 1940s—a time in which the State of Indiana was notes as the Ku Klux Klan capital of America. Cameron went on to establish and become the first president of the NAACP Madison County Branch in Anderson, IN.

Additionally, Cameron also served as the Indiana State Director of Civil Liberties from 1942—1950. In this capacity, Cameron reported to then Governor of Indian Henry Shricker on violations of the “equal accommodations” laws to end previously mandated segregation. During his eight-year tenure, Cameron investigated over 25 incidents of civil rights infractions and faced many acts of violence and death threats for his work.

Displays in the Museum's permanent collection include:

The African Village:
This mural depicts life in a village on the coast of West Africa . Civilization, family and common customs are highlighted in this exhibit, giving visitors a view into the rarely shown images of a great culture and people.

The Middle Passage – A Voyage to Slavery:
This 15-foot reproduction of a slaveship details the largest forced migration in human history, from the vantage point of Africans enslaved in a cargo hold.

Wisconsin Legends of the NAACP:
This video and photo exhibition highlights the significant leaders and activities of the NAACP in Wisconsin . Images of Father Groppi, Vel Phillips, Gwen Moore and many others are depicted in Wisconsin ’s “march” towards racial equality and civil rights for the United States .

Strange Fruit - Lynching in America:
This exhibit allows visitors to examine the atrocities of lynching in America and the mentality that allowed lynching to occur.

The Life and Legacy of Dr. James Cameron:
Dr. Cameron, the only known survivor of a lynching, founded ABHM in 1988. This exhibit features several of Dr. Cameron’s life, including last summer’s “The Senate Apology” for failure to intact anti-lynching legislation decades ago.

Before Freedom Came:
This didactic panel exhibit depicts the lives of 18th and 19th century African Americans and documents how their experiences have shaped American history, culture and politics.

On July 29th, the Museum website announced it's economic difficulties:

The Board of Directors for America's Black Holocaust Museum announced today that the museum will temporarily close its doors in order to reconfigure its operations.

Reggie Jackson, Board Chair for America's Black Holocaust Museum (ABHM) said the institution has been impacted by the economy and part of the museum's reconfiguration will focus on developing a new fundraising plan. Jackson said ABHM does not have an endowment and relies strictly on individual donations and corporate philanthropy.

ABHM is in discussions with its lender and with the City of Milwaukee Department of City Development to retain the museum's building at its current location.

Jackson said that during its temporary closure, ABHM will restructure its educational development and complete the cataloguing of the museum's archives.

"Though we may be temporarily closed to the public, we will continue the museum's mission through aggressive outreach to the community to raise funds and ensure that this national museum remains open," said Jackson.

America's Black Holocaust Museum exists for the community, and we want you to continue investing in the organization.

As ABHM moves forward, we will keep the community updated and respond to inquiries about progress toward our joint goals of fundraising, board restructuring, and educational development.

Today an article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reiterated the plight of the museum and gave an even less heartening glimpse at its future.

It would take about $125,000 to $175,000 a year to run the museum, which seems like a small price to get people of all races to rethink their assumptions about race.

America’s Black Holocaust Museum was a good place to talk about race, and it would be a shame for that forum to close because foundation support has waned in tough times. Race remains a hot-button issue in this community. Even with the doors to the museum closed, conversations about race must continue.

To donate to America’s Black Holocaust Museum, call (414) 217-9056.

Membership details are here.

Dude who invented modern air conditioning.

says he's buried with all three of his wives.
sounds kinda crowded.
bet he wishes he had a little air down there.


/today's history lesson.

Life, Loss, and Lightning

A magnificent storm swung southward through Atlanta this evening. Not the pop-up kind, but the kind that rolls in angry, cracks open the sky, blue-black clouds turning lush green leaves sliver as branches thrash against the wind.

Before it bullied its way into Cobb and Cherokee counties, the day was mostly sunny, and I took Jenna and a friend to the pool to cool off. A few times during the day we heard distant thunder, and as parents, we huddled to perform a crude risk-benefit analysis on the possibility of a direct lightning strike vs pulling all the kids out of the pool without fall-back activities or any real desire to leave poolside on the part of the adults. Most of the time we kept our eyes skyward as the kids swam.

There's that window, when you're pretty sure it's safe because it hasn't thundered for ten minutes and the sun is out, yet suspicious clouds dot the sky. Everyone has a story about the bolt that came out of nowhere and killed a whole pool full of people. It must be a southern thing. Sort of like the kids who die by falling into snowbanks in the north.

Weather can be unforgiving.

Since I was there by myself in charge of two girls, I made the decision that if they were in the pool, I was going to be in the pool. If they were out, I would be out.

As for in-water reasoning, I figured, if a bolt decided to electrify the pool, I damn well wouldn't want to be around to suffer through the guilt and broken heart that would be my legacy. Likewise, I didn't want to be in the pool while they were at the picnic table snacking only to have the stray-death-bolt-of-lightning strike my raft. Then I would miss my daughter growing up and leave her to mature without a mother. Not the ideal option.

The all-in or all-out of the pool plan worked well, though it took away from the relaxation part of my master plan. Thankfully, we made it out alive just as the serious weather began to move in.

When the sky opened, pregnant storm clouds mixed their blackness with over-watered lawns turning everything that eerie tornado-brewing shade of pea green.

As we were driving Jenna's friend home, we got stuck between the pool and her house in the worst of the weather and found shelter in a friend's basement. My friend was out of town, but her nervous Golden Retriever was overjoyed for the company. He tried to climb inside of me with every smack of thunder.

The power flickered, cable gave out, and I was glad for my blackberry tuned into live Doppler radar on the local news station.

As the girls played Scrabble in the basement, I went upstairs to call home and tell George we were out of the storm.

I decided to lie back and let go, and began thinking about something I had read last night, something about kids and stealing. No no, not about *my* kid, but about me as a kid.

It's no secret, my Esteemed Readers that I shoplifted as a kid.

I think I was about 12 when I went pro, which lasted a couple of years. Those were easier days, no scanners or detectors. You had two way mirrors, and you had store detectives. Neither a match for me. Innocent brown eyes and a too-sweet smile, I had the perfect cover. It was never very hard for me to slip one shirt under another in a fitting room, books down the back of my pants, candy up the sleeve, or makeup in zippered pockets. A mood ring here, a magazine there.

Shoplifting is the art of distraction. Left hand reaches for a bottle of shampoo, lean a little closer, read the label, right hand slips the eyeliner up the coat sleeve. (This was upstate New York. You always had a coat on.)

But don’t think badly of me. This was just a phase. You had phases too, right? Looking for attention was what I always heard from adults who talked about kids who shoplifted, often in front of me, while I blinked in dismay. I said, “Wow, kids do that?” but I thought, “I’m not looking for attention. I’m looking for a really cool shirt.”

Of course I posted about that part of my life in 2002, before the days of Social Media. Now I have a reputation to keep up. (sneer). Anyway what I read in the article about stealing that gave me pause was this:

"It is hypothesized that subconsciously Atypical Theft Offenders are very angry and steal because they want someone else to feel the unfair loss that they are feeling. Since this is a subconscious act in partnership with deep subconscious anger (Cupchik,1997)."

Some things I didn't feel about my father's death at the time were anger, grief and unfairness. Some things I certainly repressed that needed an outlet were anger, grief, unfairness.

There is something so profound in this realization for me - an understanding that it was never about the taking, it was never about the getting, it was never about attention, which was the last thing I wanted.

It was about the loss on the other side.

It wasn't about having; it was about another's not having.

It was about an unconscious need to gain some measure of control, real or imagined, over the loss that would be forever. About controlling loss through taking.

It was a way of passing my loss on, of saying, "Please, the burden of my loss is so very heavy that I can't manage it on my own - can you lose something with me?"

In losing something can you carry part of my loss for me?

It was about a six-year-old girl whose world stood still in a second that lasted six months,

It wasn't about what I took from them; it was about the displacement of my own empty shelf.

And this is what I was thinking as the rain beat against the storm door, the dog nudged the cuff of my jeans, and the children giggled downstairs playing Scrabble, safe, out of the storm.

---

I wordled my blog

'sperimenting over here

jeneane.net

redux.

I only wish I could have Stealth-Discoed Joi

Joi Ito at Fortune Brainstorm - he's so fucking smart. (venture communist - heh.)



"Money is lonely - It always goes where other money is."

hat tip: SVW.

10 years after - JP Clues Us In.

With an intro from Euan Semple, JP Rangaswami revisits Cluetrain past, present and future. This should be required viewing for social media "experts" and anyone who thinks that 140 character tweets are what it means to be connected as human beings.

JP is just. so. cool. And Euan's story took me back. I remember hearing about that talk, that trip, and oh do I remember that time.



I wish I had the chops to transcribe this -- if anyone's up for it, let me know so I can link to the result. If I get time, I'll try and get the fingers flying.

In the mean time, enjoy the video.

hope.

New Little Rescue Dog or Goldfish with the Bug Eyes?

Bloggers As Webkinz

Our daughter collects Webkinz, which is not in and of itself unusual. What IS unusual is that she has named her most recent webkinz purchases after women bloggers. Specifically:

• Halley the Horse after Halley Suitt
• Toby the Tree Frog after Toby Bloomberg
• Margaret the Monkey after Margaret Adam (via AKMA)

I know that in this age of blogging awards and celebrations of our womanhood online through conferences and link love, lists are a little overdone.

But this is the first Webkinz-as-Women-Bloggers List, folks. Sqeezem if you gottem.

---

Because RWW Comments aren't working... some more women bloggers

Neither Frank nor I could leave a comment yesterday on the RWW post about women bloggers, so he left one here. Now I see 27 comments there, so maybe they are working. For those adverse to clicking, here's Frank's list of women's bloggers to add to the cause:

Marshall's blog is broken. Well, it wouldn't let me leave a comment. Maybe I'm on a list. Anyway, here is what I tried to leave there. I reformatted it in hopes that I was merely being screened for too many links. Didn't work. But I always enjoy this exercise, no matter how many times we do it. Maybe someday we can do lists of bloggers who suck. Wait. That may already have been done. Anyway, here's what I tried to contribute at ReadWriteWeb...
* * *
http://allied.blogspot.com/ Jeneane Sessum (who showed me the way here),

http://www.timegoesby.net/
Ronni Bennett,

http://www.jessamyn.com/indexindex.html
Jessamyn West,

http://betsydevine.com/blog/
Betsy Devine,

http://blogs.zdnet.com/Howell/
Denise Howell,

http://burningbird.net/
Shelley Powers,

http://lavachequilit.typepad.com/
Leslie Winer,

http://tamarika.typepad.com/mined_nuggets/
Tamar Jacobson,

and http://theeverydaycafe.com/
Anne Zelenka.

There are nine names off the top of my head... people about whom I can't say enough. I'm sure there are another dozen I should highlight, and there are several women already listed who would be on my list if they hadn't been acknowledged already. Comparing the sheer numbers of people I respect and enjoy with the mere half a dozen or so who chafe my scrote, well... I'm coming out ahead.

Now, the job is to embed them into the mainstream, not highlight them as prime catches of a separate species.

Men O'Pause

My friend emailed me a couple of weeks back, "I think I'm going to lose my job - I can't remember anything. I look at the page and all the words look like one another. Nothing is making sense." An elder woman at the pool tells me she had to quit her job at the University - she had no idea what was wrong, but suddenly a very competent professor was rendered incapable, and was so stupefied by her failing intellect that she resigned. My friends and I grasp for words that remain elusive and use words that are nonsensical in their place. We forget we said we would call one another, leave the stove on until we remember dinner is ready by the feint scent of burnt.

We are menopausal.

If you haven't been there yet, just wait. If you've survived, send me your number.

I am blown away. I hear that this phase of confusion and forgetfulness passes. I'm always afraid to ask how long that takes.

Men, don't expect the 40-somethings in your office to let you in on their suffering. It's not exactly a selling point. You can't really add "don't get lost again on the way to work" to your job description. And a project lead that suddenly forgets the names of her team members isn't exactly an A-player.

I was talking to a friend at lunch earlier this week about how it feels to be blindsided by this rite of passage each of us has earned - a time that is supposed to find us in our prime, but not before it knocks us to the ground with a staggering case of amnesia.

My friend said she was longing for the day when there would be a 'maternity leave' at the other end of the fertility spectrum. An infertility leave, if you will. An egg loss sabbatical. We made great plans for getting through this phase of 'the change,' and had a great lunch. And best of all, we laughed.

Now, if I could only remember who I was with....

---

good reading list from RWW

Marshall has a good starter list of women bloggers in honor of blogher. There are some good blogs there, although some are the usual suspects. Comments didn't seem to be working, but if they start to, leave your own faves there.

Sure glad RWW isn't following in the steps of The Industry Standard.

---

Hank Ranks in My Book

Read Hank Williams on I'm a Nobody, on the recent dustup with The Industry Standard's lame attempt to gloss over Golson's stupidity. Nuances and face-changing attempts are fascinating. Hank runs them down well.

When you think about his words, the real subtext becomes clear. The truth is, once he came to my site, the argument ceased to be about "prominence". He actually made a judgment about me as a person, and not my prominence. To say he couldn't "take me seriously", based purely on the color of my, excuse me, nature of my blog template is really a very different matter than discussing my visibility in the marketplace.

Read More (and comments).

The Company We Keep - Friends and Reputations Online

As blogging and ways to monetize high-traffic content evolve, the pairing off of power bloggers into friends, allies, and business partners becomes more interesting.

The lotto-sized win in the battle for high-power friendships is, as everyone knows, Mike Arrington. To be a FOA (friend of Arrington) is to be anointed into a lucrative Web 2.0 economy.

As I watched the Winer-Scoble-Israel vs. Arrington-Feldman-Calcanis feud this past week, I had some of my own observations about the tricky aspects of navigating blog-related friendships and partnerships.

On one side we had Shel, tormented by puppeteer Feldman, sworn to go after Winer next, who's BFF is Scoble, whose old company fired Feldman.

On the other side we had Feldman, fallen into a potentially great mainstream deal with some non-mainstream (and I would argue some not-so-funny) content coming back from the archives to bite him in the ass, backed by the newly-retired Calcanis whose business interests align with those of Feldman, who spends a whole lot of time at the business/home/Internet-economy of Arrington.

This is the point at which I state: Blogging makes for some strange bedfellows.

The popular M.O. of the A-List guys during a high-profile Internet dust-up is to call on their friends to back them up. This means they ask their friends to call off the dogs or to incite the mob (depending upon which side of the equation they're on), to make a public statement of support or perform a public shunning (depending upon which side of the equation they're on), to absolutely and without question choose sides.

And choosing sides can suck. Because the web is hyperlinked, sides don't always make sense. (I know this is true when I find myself aligned with Dave Winer.)

We are not linear here. We are human and networked. Our relationships are at the same time deep and distant, meaningful and sometimes non-sensical.

But for many, our reputation is important.

By reputation I don't mean, "He's a great guy," or "She's a smart lady." You can have a reputation for being entertaining, obnoxious, brilliant, an asshole, an expert in a particular field, a mom, a dad, a cancer survivor, and most likely you are a rich combination of these characteristics which inform the stories you tell online.

Our archives tell our story not just chronologically, but in relationship to others, among the links in and links out. Asking anyone to read us from front to back before making a judgment as to the kind of person we are is asking a lot. People aren't going to examine all of our posts--they're going to read our front page, the last thing we said, or the thing that someone else points them to--even if that thing is old and we decided it was stupid a long time ago.

That's why emerging tools and technology for compiling and tracking our participation and reputation over time and across social media interest me.

These tools can take the legacy of our contributions and help new readers understand not just our content, but our context. We are more than a single post or video - we are our collected pixels spread out over space and time.

I think these tools will give us new freedom in our friendships, and require less side-taking requirements on behalf of friends who find themselves in compromising positions.

The ability to track our participation and reputation across the net lets us take risks without tossing our entire body of work down the toilet. It gives me the freedom to stand up like a sniper bitch on occasion without compromising my Internet reputation as a "nice lady" (cough) altogether.

I empathize with Feldman's friends for their troubles over the last week even though I think he's a cry-baby for thinking that shock-jock content might not come back to bite him as he sought out mainstream deals.

I support those who spoke out on the important issues around the whole fiasco. I also support those who didn't choose sides or participate in the discussion, even though I think the discussions it spawned were valuable and tremendous and much can be gained by taking part.

But not everyone is required to weigh in, nor should they be. If we were to pick all the issues we care about and try to participate in all of them, we could never keep up. If we were to jump into every debate, every conflict, we could lose our minds. It is up to each of us to decide what conversations are important to us, and I don't assign blame for opting out of those I think are significant.

Taking it back to friendship, this is important to me because:

I WILL NOT make a public statement every time an online friend does or says something stupid, or something I don't agree with.

I WILL NOT LET you infer from my silence that I agree or disagree with them.

I ABSOLUTELY reserve the right to remain friends with my friends - or part ways - without a defending my decision; and what I may say to them in private or public about a particular post or comment is up to ME.

Of course, there are more complexities to the company we keep online. And as time goes on, things make less sense than they ever did. I think this is a good thing, but some days I'm not so sure.

Last week was one of those days.

--

technorati tags: social media, reputation, marketing, advertising, business, web 2.0, Feldman, Calcanis, Arrington, Scoble, Israel, Winer, conversation, friendships are miscellaneous, friendship, technology, PR

Beyond White Whine

Hank Williams has a great post in which he explores the 2008 definition or racism.

Snippet:

Today, racism’s definition is so circumscribed, that for many it is almost impossible to find a valid use case. For many, it would require calling a black man a nigger or saying, I hate black people, or doing something equivalently overt. Of course, for some, even the use of the word nigger does not warrant the racism label, since black people use it amongst themselves. It’s not fair, defenders say, to give a word to black people that white people can’t use.

Interestingly, for many, it’s also not valid to label language as racist if it not in the form of a statement. It’s a bit like Jeopardy. Any potentially racist language is not racist if you change the form to a question, or in Loren Feldman’s case, a joke. Then you can, apparently, say absolutely anything.

Read it.

Hank gives rich context for his thoughts, life context, which many of Feldman's minions lack. While I'm not sure I agree with Hank that silence = support, I do believe that the social media power brokers actually saying something useful on the topic would be a Good Thing. This is a racially traumatized country, and this industry is no more healthy. They might start with asking Feldman what precisely he intends to do to execute threats like these directed at Lynne D. Johnson:

You are an unethical piece of shit. YOU ARE A LIAR. And you did it on purpose to help fastcompany. Shame on you, I will never stop till I have your job, bank on it. - loren feldman

Tim she is a complete liar. And she will pay, you'll see my friend. - loren feldman

From the man who has proclaimed, "Black People Are Lame," and "Black People Can't Get It Together," I find the righteous indignation over backlash created by a Big Brand not wanting to be associated with a Web 2.0 minstrel act a bit much.

While Feldman obsesses on whether Winer made the call or Scoble made the call, the bottom line is some future enemy would have made the call if one of his past associates hadn't.

In the end, it is how it has always been: you own your own words.

---

technorati tags: verizon, 1938 Media, Loren Feldman, Technigga, Asswipe, Karma, CyberBully, Arrington Economy, Social Media, Anti-Social Media, Advertising, Marketing, Branding, Business, Tech, Web 2.0

I'm Afraid It's Not Just The Web, Louis.

Louis Gray has a great but sad post about his experience today watching Corvida and Wayne Sutton discuss the Verizon-Feldman debacle in video chat as a chorus of race baiting idiots piled on with comments the likes of which might make your racist Uncle Bob blush.

Technigga-Golddigga Loren Feldman should feel proud tonight. The comments I've seen supporting him on FriendFeed show that he's got a real high-class following for his "comedy" act. Not. The cream of the crop must have shown up for this one, showing what Louis called the Web's racist underbelly.

"While both carried on a strong conversation around the issues of race, bigotry and getting ahead through hard work, their efforts were dwarfed by some of the most hateful, shameful, racist speech I've been exposed to in a very long time. ...as Corvida and Wayne talked about her family's efforts with Verizon, and how black tech bloggers are often stereotyped, with Feldman's video as an example, the Yahoo! Live chat screen filled with filth, with racist words, references to Kentucky Fried Chicken and watermelon, comments on Obama, and discussion of penis sizes."

While I share Louis' anger, I don't share his shock. Sure, there are anonymous racist assholes online who have mouth-in-ass disease because they know they are anonymous and feel the thrill of yelling fire in a crowded theater. Nothing new there.

Then there are others, folks who are The Standard -- quite literally covertly and sometimes unknowingly practicing the subtler and often more damaging form of racism that fucks not just with the mind and heart and drive, but with the wallet--the ultimate take-down/keep-down in America.

And those same people will feign shock when a pastor from the South Side of Chicago spells America A-M-E-R-I-K-K-K-A. Hypocrites.

The threat of changing the makeup of a decidedly white power structure in Washington is bringing out the best in the best of people, and the worst in the worst of people.

It's not just the Web, Louis.

And I fear it's only just begun to get ugly.

----

technorati tags: verizon, 1938 Media, Loren Feldman, Technigga, Asswipe, Karma, CyberBully, Arrington Economy, Social Media, Anti-Social Media, Advertising, Marketing, Branding, Business, Tech, Web 2.0

This One Goes Out to Loren Feldman...

I just Love the Guys (FOFs - friends of feldman) who want to paint Verizon's dropping of Loren Feldman as a free speech issue, as though Verizon has somehow ripped Loren's content off of his own site or blocked our access to it. Puhleeease.

No, not quite Feldminions. It's a brand affinity issue.

You wanted the social media economy, the Arrington economy, with all of its mainstream trappings and mainstream glory and mainstream money? Then take your minstrel act to the mainstream grocery store and see how much meat it gets you.

Mike, you got your friend wires crossed on this one a long time ago.

See Also:

He with Whom I agree*: http://whydoeseverythingsuck.com/2008/07/verizon-dumps-loren-tech-nigga-feldman.html


She with Whom I agree: http://shegeeks.net/i-requested-that-verizon-drop-their-deal-with-1938media/


The Far Less Clued:

http://www.techcrunch.com/2008/07/07/1938-media-loses-verizon-deal-over-racism-charges/

http://www.mathewingram.com/work/2008/07/07/protests-over-verizon-deal-with-1938media/

http://mashable.com/2008/07/08/technigga/

(*I would, however, put money on Winer having made a couple of calls. No one is better with that old-school tech weapon called the telephone.)

---

NOT to be missed: black people are lame, and black people can't get it together.


Hey LIGHTEN UP, right?

---

technorati tags: verizon, 1938 Media, Loren Feldman, Technigga, Asswipe, Karma, CyberBully, Arrington Economy, Social Media, Anti-Social Media, Advertising, Marketing, Branding, Business, Tech, Web 2.0

the restless debt

thx for the pointer, rb.

faith47 yes.

vita

Faith 47 loves sounds, colors, dusty small town roads, rebellion, small gestures, big cities, grey areas, electricity wires, complexities, simplicity, forgotten grimy spaces, and possibilities. She loves to paint graffiti, illustrate, design, travel, read, and question things. She really hates the way the world economic system is set up to benefit the few and starve the many, she dislikes battery chicken farms, Hollywood blockbusters and generic fast food chains. Her most favourite thing is seeing spontaneous beautiful moments and also the Zapatista national liberation army. She´s been influenced by wealz 130, cashril, solo one, mode2, saber, buffy, silloette, nina, keti and a lot of other writers and artists. She aims to keep getting on with her work that she loves and take it where it needs to go.

Sessmic - 1: Meat Lessons Revisited

Monsters - Serious Business

You Had To Be There / Tom Was There

Tom Matrullo has an interesting post on the Lake Sarasota Community Blog about a neighborhood conference. The post is in part interesting for the words and pictures that describe the event, because Tom is a wonderful story-teller, and in larger part interests me because it explores the notion that the population not yet embracing social media, or the Internet generally, still might. And it might actually mean something.

You "had to be there" at the Tallahassee Conference in part because the resonant messages and human guidance of neighborhood grassroots activism - at least in Florida - have not yet tapped into the powerful tools coming online through social media networking.

It reminds me of what bix was doing at a grassroots level with the Portland Communique, before few were doing it. I don't think he's doing it anymore, and I wonder if that's because he got tired of trying to tell a stranger about rock-and-roll, or if he told the stranger and the stranger didn't care?

I don't know the answer to that. Maybe he'll tell us.

But what Tom says gives me hope, that maybe the 'social' in social media can get past it's own nose into the larger world where social issues are very large indeed.

This turning toward others drives new links -- consider, on the level of individuals, the explosive power of Facebook, or mySpace, which claims 110 million active users a month. People are discovering common causes; their communities of interest are self-organizing online and passionately sharing best practices. And unlike the real world -- where today's mainstream media reports are tomorrow's hamster fodder -- these new media voices, dialogues and activities continue to persist in the ever-present, open and transparent digital record.

Wouldn't it be interesting if social media became socially relevant? If it blew open the dome on its own biosphere and began to make a difference in real people's communities, neighborhoods, and lives.

Go Tom - I'm willing to suspend disbelief one last time.

---

pool summer pool summer pool summer pool summer

can i just say that it brings me so much joy to be waterfied and sunified?

in the water i float on my back, waves rocking me, i sing songs to the sky, i pray, i smile, i do weightless jumping jacks i couldn't do on land, i trace clouds with my eyes, amazing grace, i am whole.

You know what he did?

daisy

web dude v sales guy - omgzbbq funny

what's your password?
"a"


;-)

Loren Feldman Gets a Web Design Refresh from Dave Winer

Dave Winer, who is the registrant of 1938media.net has created a new homepage for Loren Feldman, whose Don Rickles mocking shtick has become about as old as... Don Rickles. Dave's homepage design features some of Loren's best work!

Looks like some similar domains are available for those involved in the latest parody parade looking to launch an offensive defense strategy.

I don't know much about the origin of this feud, but it's going to be interesting to watch how this plays out. Especially with Dave entering from stage right.

---

well i missed the subway kid dying on twitter thing...

I guess I was too busy getting kissed to death by a grateful little dog (few posts down friends) to catch the jared-from-subway-died twitter mishap today.

Louis Gray Not Blue has a good rundown of what happens when the echo chamber tunes in to its own reverb, and suddenly twitterers were all a-twitter tweeting the news of the subway guy's demise.

Except that the whole thing was urban legend and Subway-Jared is just fine.

Cindy McCain on the other hand is probably still sneaking Vicodin. I took one after my surgery. I can hardly blame her, addict-thief that she is...

But I digress.

Louis noted that the ripple effect of popular twitterers tweeting bad information in this case had tens of thousands of followers of Kevin Rose of Digg and Adam Ostrow of Mashable mourning Jared's death before lunch.

Louis thinks that those who twitter should fact-check before tweeting 'breaking news' as a solution to the potential harm of false tweets (known pre-1999 as rumors). I think 1) fact checking online is overrated, 2) twitter is not a news-breaking service but ubiquitous IM and inherently untrustworthy yet entertaining overall, 3) that you can always count on the self-correcting nature of the Internet.

That's how you'll know when I tweet, "Surgeon General reports 140 character thinking causes brain damage," that I might be telling the truth.

---

Why I Heart (as the webby kidz say) YouTube

---

Only In Amerika...

...where anyone can be President, and any any any really any anyone can be first trollop, I mean lady.

Cindy (not brady) McCain said at a recent rally that she is and always has been proud of her country (unsaid: unlike that obama bitch). TBogg says why:

Where else could Cindy McCain get away with stealing drugs donated to help impoverished Third World people in order to keep that damn monkey off of her back. And where else could she walk away unscathed? To be fair, she was under a lot of pressure at the time because her husband was up to his wattled neck in the Charles Keating Affair, and now look, he's going to be the Republican candidate for President. So not only is this a great country, but it's also a very forgiving country, and that has to count for something...

-

-

McCain Cuntry

---

this is a catchy little ditty!

crazy crazy crazy crazy cracy john mccain.

it's got that puff the magic dragon feel, you know?

---

o this little dog

And I mean to tell you it's the laaast thing we need.

Truly. I don't have to tell you about the price of gas and how you have to drive everywhere in this megalopolis just to l-i-v-e. (FWIW, when was the last time a large bag of Lays potato chips -- which I didn't buy but did admire in amazement -- cost over $4? Answer: NEVER.) And did I mention healthcare bills up the ying yang? I know I'm singing to the choir here my sisters and brothers.

So when my sister told me about this starving, lonely, neglected mother dog next door to her (one puppy dead, one 'gone,' and the other now belonging to my sister) who wasn't being fed or watered (except when she'd sneak over to do it), and when she told me the owner told her to just find someone to take it--he didn't care as long as it was gone soon--and when she asked me to look at it with her while I was visiting last weekend, my question to YOU, dear readers, is why the heck did I not drive away?

Why did I go back to that dog pen in the glaring sun with no shade in the 100-degree heat and see this 4 pound shaggy black little mama dog sitting there so scared and so lonely? No babies, no friends, no family, nothing but flies and muddy water.

This is a matter of mathematics. We already have two dogs, two cats, one (currently) hamster, one beta, and a variety of insects who consider themselves kin. I should not have walked back there. I should not have picked her up. I should have driven away.

And that's what I did. With four little paws on the floorboard of the van, planted near the air conditioning, with two of the most grateful eyes I've ever seen looking up at me.

And we're calling her daisy.

She eats cheap dog food and runs around naked despite the list of Walmart dog clothes Jenna had in mind, and she eats out of jenna's old baby bowls and sleeps in a cat carrier. And I think she thinks she's in heaven.

---

Goodbye George. Thank You.

Found: Virgin Pack of American Spirits

July 4th will be my FOUR YEAR anniversary of quitting smoking. Holy Cow! Most of you who read me were there when I quit. I languished over having to quit for the first two years. Every day, every mile. OH how I missed my best friends. OH how I fiddled and gnashed teeth in those early days.

I quit for 4 years once before in my life - the day Bill Clinton was elected President (first term) was my first quit date. I quit for four years then too. Then on one night in one fit of one bit of frustration and anger, I grabbed a pack out of a cigarette machine (they were always close at hand back then, weren't they?) and lit up. Smokers are such addicts: I can quit again--I am good at quitting.

So imagine my surprise today when I was trying to find out why my car charger wasn't working for my phone, and I pulled out the little drawer at the bottom of my console that I never use, and there they were: an unopened pack of American Spirits - my brand, my old friend, right there--came back to see if I still cared.

The pack was in there because the last time George went down to see his mother, during her final days, he took the van. He quit a year ago August. That was one of his last packs - and he's always wondered what happened to it.

The first thing I did after staring for a Very Long Time was smell the pack. Cellophane sealed, I could still smell its sexy scent. Yes, even now, it smelled THAT good. Next I put them on top of the dashboard and drove to the pool, because that's where we were going when I found them.

The next thing I did was think about how it would feel to smoke, to escape, to have something ELSE to do--a distraction from everything else in the elses of the elses of the elses I have to do. As I wrote then:

When you smoke, you are always doing more than one thing at a time. Every time you light up you are smoking AND thinking, walking, breathing, sitting, talking, pacing, driving, writing, drinking, whatever. Usually you are doing several things at once. That's what stimulants do best--let you multi-task and enjoy the rush of it.

Losing the ability to escape the perplexing LENGTH of a single moment is perhaps my biggest loss in giving up cigarettes.

There must be some joy to be found in those seem-to-last-forever-moments -- another stretch of highway, another commercial, another bill collector, another Zoom episode, another press release, another Web site. There must be something people enjoy about being present inside of those tick-tock-ticks of time. For me, it is extra time to be anxious.

I've got a long way to go, friends.

I've gotten better over the years. Moments aren't exactly something to escape anymore. I'm mostly present during them. I have stopped running in between the tick of the clock. Somehow I think that's good, although I'm not sure it will ever feel normal.

I didn't have one. And I didn't bring them home. I left them with a friend at the pool who still smokes. Someone I wouldn't be tempted to ask for one, because I thought about it. I sure did. Four years later I could have easily blown it by telling myself some story about how Good I Am At Quitting.

Like always, this blog is part of what keeps me honest and accountable -- to me as much as to you. It's not so different as I head toward four years than it was after six months, and my sentiments--they're pretty much the same:

This blog helped keep me honest. Honestly. There were times I thought about it. Seriously. George's cigarettes are in the garage right now. I could easily have grabbed one during one of my "moments." One of the thoughts during those "moments" was that I would have to post it. I would. I wouldn't not post if if I cheated. I would tell you all that I slipped up, and how good it was, but how bad it feels to have to turn the clock back, and you would all tell me that everyone has a slip up and it doesn't mean I've lost the battle--or lost respect--to just pick up where I was before the slipup, and I would say thank you, I love you guys, and to be honest, I wanted to avoid that WHOLE thing.

So thanks.

Jenna, if you ever read this post, please don't EVER light one of those disgusting cigarettes. It's not just that they're bad for you. It's that they don't let you go. They cuff your hands and mess with your head, and all of your internal organs too, as long as you live. Which won't be as long as you would have. And even if you quit, they never stop messing with you.

Really. Thanks to you all for helping me get here. And pat me on the back and give a shout out to God for the help. Slowly, very slowly, I've used those moments I used to use to escape to connect in new ways to new people and new energy. And I don't mean that in a woo-woo way. I mean that in an ah-ha way.

peace-out.

a face

The big diseases have faces. The big organs have faces. Your heart, your kidney, your lungs, even your breasts -- they're the Big News body parts.

They have celebrity faces that get attention. And because they get attention, they get money. And because they get money, they attract talented young researchers who dedicate their lives beating the disease or figuring out the organ. And because they get talent, more people survive, get well, watch their kids grow up, are free from pain.

Pancreatic cancer is a disease without a face. That's because, as Randy Pausch says, no one lives long enough to become the face of that disease.

Randy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer almost 2 years ago. It is a rare for anyone with pancreatic cancer to live as long as Randy has. Most -- like my father -- die within six months. The five year survival rate is around 3 or 4 percent. Even 40 years after my father's death, the prognosis is the same. No other cancer has been as elusive or remained as aggressive over the decades.

I found Randy's story because reading Doc Searl's posts about his pancreatitis battle, and Suzi's blog about hers, reminded me of the pancreas' tricky stubborn ways. Doc and Suzi don't have pancreatic cancer, but they do have bum pancreases. As I read of their latest challenges, I searched around to see how things were progressing with that odd organ and came across Randy's blog, his Carnegie Mellon "last lecture," which has become a book, and his recent testimony before the Health and Human Services Subcommittee:



Please watch it, and give what you can to PANCAN or the Lustgarten Foundation.

You had to be there...

...to know why this made me cry. I'm so happy Gary is back.

Meanwhile, I'd offer to take some of doc's extra morphine, but last time i had that shit in the hospital they had to stop me from itching my back raw with my dinner fork.

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I Got Your Market Hangin'

been there, still there.

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breaking bread, building bridges