She isn't much to look at. She's old in computer lives--I've had her over two years. But she's mine, and she is inextricably linked to my brain and my eyes and my fingers. This is where I write. This is my axe. And I have to give her back.
I told George last night, what if I can't work something out? What if I have to hand it back to them to turn over to some non-writer--it would be like you giving your favorite bass to some lame player and never getting it back. Oh god. What will they do to her. Not excel matrices of media names and ed cals! FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, anything but that. I'm sure she'll never blog another post, never see a blogger window again unless it's by accident. She won't get emails that set her on fire. She'll be relegated to a cube under florescent lights with whisps of perfume and magnetic word games assulting her with every keystroke.
I cried about it.
You probably think I'm kidding.
My hands and brain are shaped to it, the money has to go to health insurance and the like, and the only other working computer we have is a three-year-old generic PC I bought from work for $100 -- and that's about how fast it is too. That's the one patient George and Jenna work on.
What to do. What to do. I applied for amazon line of credit--maybe too honestly--didn't get it. I was thinking of switching to Mac--from whence I started perhaps I should return. I need help. Dying over here. My best friend has to go back to that place without me on April 1st. It's like taking your kitten to the pound. It's like cutting your brain in half.
Yes, there are people dying in Iraq, yes I feel blessed every minute for the health and well-being of my family, the house we thus-far have to live in, the talent I've been given, and the talent I've worked like crazy to develop; I'm thankful every minute for the understanding from my husband, for my sweet baby Jenna, for my friends, for this place. And yes, losing your laptop pales in comparison to all the other things people are going through.
But it's how I make a living and it's also where I live. And it hurts. And what's more, I really don't even know what to look into buying, why, where, how much. Ugh. Ugh Ugh.
Thankfully, at least through blogging, my personal endless notebook lives on the Web. Hey Hey they can't take that away from me. Nonetheless. I'm a little sad today as I wind down writing on my old friend.
